'My Therapist Told Me ...'

Therapists who treat your client can be meddlesome third wheels or enormous helps in divorce litigation. Dealing with them effectively can improve attorney-client relations and spare everyone considerable misery.

Sometimes divorce results directly from therapy, eg, when a person becomes healthy enough to leave a destructive relationship. Some clients are in treatment because of emotional problems that contributed to the breakup. Others are there because of the stress of the divorce. Whatever got them into treatment, if therapy is going well, your client will look to the therapist for trustworthy information about all sorts of things, including divorce litigation. Sometimes their trust is misplaced.

Therapy, Pro and Con

Therapists can help litigation. They can help your client formulate clear goals, differentiate irrational goals, like revenge, from reasonable ones, and keep emotions in control. Therapists can help your clients mourn the death of the marriage, help them “move on” and help them tolerate the realistic limits of divorce litigation. Clients can deal with emotional problems in therapy instead of demanding the attorney's emotional support, something many attorneys neither enjoy nor have the skills to provide. Therefore, therapy can promote the attorney-client relationship.

Sometimes it is wise to refer a client for therapy. Clients who show a lot of distress, cannot think straight because of their emotions, or those who get into complicated “sticky” relationships with their attorneys often become happier and more effective litigants with treatment. Referrals work best if the attorney “normalizes” the situation, reminding the client that divorce is the most stressful emotional experience the client is ever likely to suffer and that many people handle it better with therapeutic help. Sometimes calling the therapist a “coach” reduces resistance to getting needed help. (Occasionally the client's having a therapist is used in custody litigation as a mark of mental illness, but few judges hold it against litigants when they seek help through a rough time.)

At other times, however, therapists hinder more than they help. This happens most often when they go beyond appropriate roles of emotional support and clarification of the client's thinking to become advisers on issues outside their expertise. It gets worse when that advice is bad. The more patients trust therapists, the more damaging bad advice can be.

Therapists often overestimate their knowledge of litigation, law, child custody arrangements, and the psychology of people they have never met, from spouses to judges. They forget (or never knew) that therapists should not make custody-visitation recommendations, that concepts of child custody evolve rapidly, and that the law does not always fit with what they think is fair and reasonable — or even with the last episode of “Law and Order.” A therapist may tell a patient that his 5-year-old will be scarred by spending time with his mentally ill mother, who happens to be a competent parent, without realizing that current research does not support that idea in general and that, as the father's therapist, he is in no position to make such a judgment for that particular child or mother. Advice like this can produce desperate litigation, stimulate fears, interfere with settlements, and place unrealistic demands on attorneys. Therapists sometimes think that their idea of what is fair should determine the way property is divided, regardless of what the law says. Worse, they gladly criticize an attorney's performance and inform patients that the attorney is greedy, lazy, unethical and/or inept.

Attorney Solutions

What should an attorney do when confronted with this sort of problem? If your client is beginning therapy, and especially is you are recommending it, good custody evaluators and other attorneys can steer you to therapists who understand the boundaries of the therapist's role. Talking briefly with potential therapists often lets you know whether they will become your new law partner, or whether they recognize that attorney and therapist have distinct, non-overlapping roles. It is a good sign if the therapist insists from the beginning on clarifying whether you are speaking to him or her as a potential expert or a potential healer.

'My Therapist Told Me'

What do you do, however, when your client proposes some inappropriate strategy, announcing, “My therapist told me … “? First, count to 10. Remember that your client is reporting information from someone he or she probably trusts more than you, so a frontal assault will either backfire or leave the client with no one to trust. Have the client tell you exactly what the therapist said. Surprisingly often the therapist's affirmation, “Of course you're concerned about your child” becomes, “Demand that your lawyer insist on unsupervised visits!”

Daydream as much as you like about ethics committees, licensing boards, sanctions for practicing law without a license, and torture chambers where they can coerce therapists to act properly, but leave it at fantasy. Any disciplinary action would take longer than the divorce itself, and threats only make therapists defensive, making continued collaboration impossible — to the detriment of the client.

If, after getting it clear what the therapist actually said and after calmly explaining why you think he or she is mistaken (without attacking the therapist) the client is still pressing you to follow bad advice, ask if you can talk with the therapist. Let clients know that you appreciate the difficult spot they are in when two professionals they trust contradict one another, and suggest it will help for the professionals to talk. Indicating the limits of the conversation in advance will reassure both client and therapist.

How to Talk to Therapists

When talking with therapists, work to form an alliance — you are both trying to do the best for the client. Help the therapist save face. “Divorce litigation is complicated and it's often hard to get a clear picture of what is happening,” you can say. Try to stick to your area of expertise. “I can certainly see that it would be fair that the person who put all the work into making the house nice should have the marital residence, but unfortunately under Ohio law … ” When talking about areas in which therapists should be knowledgeable, ask them to explain each point to you, and, if you think they are mistaken, calmly explain why: “ Maybe you could help me understand why 10-year-olds cannot tolerate overnights. I read an article in Family Court Review by a psychologist from the National Institute of Child Development who quoted research showing they can. It would help me to know what you think of that article.” If you are still at loggerheads, suggest that the therapist consult a colleague who is expert in the particular matter and that you will be glad to do likewise. Continue to work on an alliance to benefit your mutual client.

Conclusion

Though there is always the remedy of telling clients that they have to choose from whom they take legal advice, in the vast majority of cases, therapists and attorneys can work out their differences by talking in a mutually respectful way. The result is almost always that the attorney can represent the client more effectively, and the therapist can do a better job of helping the patient cope with emotional distress.

Therapists who treat your client can be meddlesome third wheels or enormous helps in divorce litigation. Dealing with them effectively can improve attorney-client relations and spare everyone considerable misery.

Sometimes divorce results directly from therapy, eg, when a person becomes healthy enough to leave a destructive relationship. Some clients are in treatment because of emotional problems that contributed to the breakup. Others are there because of the stress of the divorce. Whatever got them into treatment, if therapy is going well, your client will look to the therapist for trustworthy information about all sorts of things, including divorce litigation. Sometimes their trust is misplaced.

Therapy, Pro and Con

Therapists can help litigation. They can help your client formulate clear goals, differentiate irrational goals, like revenge, from reasonable ones, and keep emotions in control. Therapists can help your clients mourn the death of the marriage, help them “move on” and help them tolerate the realistic limits of divorce litigation. Clients can deal with emotional problems in therapy instead of demanding the attorney's emotional support, something many attorneys neither enjoy nor have the skills to provide. Therefore, therapy can promote the attorney-client relationship.

Sometimes it is wise to refer a client for therapy. Clients who show a lot of distress, cannot think straight because of their emotions, or those who get into complicated “sticky” relationships with their attorneys often become happier and more effective litigants with treatment. Referrals work best if the attorney “normalizes” the situation, reminding the client that divorce is the most stressful emotional experience the client is ever likely to suffer and that many people handle it better with therapeutic help. Sometimes calling the therapist a “coach” reduces resistance to getting needed help. (Occasionally the client's having a therapist is used in custody litigation as a mark of mental illness, but few judges hold it against litigants when they seek help through a rough time.)

At other times, however, therapists hinder more than they help. This happens most often when they go beyond appropriate roles of emotional support and clarification of the client's thinking to become advisers on issues outside their expertise. It gets worse when that advice is bad. The more patients trust therapists, the more damaging bad advice can be.

Therapists often overestimate their knowledge of litigation, law, child custody arrangements, and the psychology of people they have never met, from spouses to judges. They forget (or never knew) that therapists should not make custody-visitation recommendations, that concepts of child custody evolve rapidly, and that the law does not always fit with what they think is fair and reasonable — or even with the last episode of “Law and Order.” A therapist may tell a patient that his 5-year-old will be scarred by spending time with his mentally ill mother, who happens to be a competent parent, without realizing that current research does not support that idea in general and that, as the father's therapist, he is in no position to make such a judgment for that particular child or mother. Advice like this can produce desperate litigation, stimulate fears, interfere with settlements, and place unrealistic demands on attorneys. Therapists sometimes think that their idea of what is fair should determine the way property is divided, regardless of what the law says. Worse, they gladly criticize an attorney's performance and inform patients that the attorney is greedy, lazy, unethical and/or inept.

Attorney Solutions

What should an attorney do when confronted with this sort of problem? If your client is beginning therapy, and especially is you are recommending it, good custody evaluators and other attorneys can steer you to therapists who understand the boundaries of the therapist's role. Talking briefly with potential therapists often lets you know whether they will become your new law partner, or whether they recognize that attorney and therapist have distinct, non-overlapping roles. It is a good sign if the therapist insists from the beginning on clarifying whether you are speaking to him or her as a potential expert or a potential healer.

'My Therapist Told Me'

What do you do, however, when your client proposes some inappropriate strategy, announcing, “My therapist told me … “? First, count to 10. Remember that your client is reporting information from someone he or she probably trusts more than you, so a frontal assault will either backfire or leave the client with no one to trust. Have the client tell you exactly what the therapist said. Surprisingly often the therapist's affirmation, “Of course you're concerned about your child” becomes, “Demand that your lawyer insist on unsupervised visits!”

Daydream as much as you like about ethics committees, licensing boards, sanctions for practicing law without a license, and torture chambers where they can coerce therapists to act properly, but leave it at fantasy. Any disciplinary action would take longer than the divorce itself, and threats only make therapists defensive, making continued collaboration impossible — to the detriment of the client.

If, after getting it clear what the therapist actually said and after calmly explaining why you think he or she is mistaken (without attacking the therapist) the client is still pressing you to follow bad advice, ask if you can talk with the therapist. Let clients know that you appreciate the difficult spot they are in when two professionals they trust contradict one another, and suggest it will help for the professionals to talk. Indicating the limits of the conversation in advance will reassure both client and therapist.

How to Talk to Therapists

When talking with therapists, work to form an alliance — you are both trying to do the best for the client. Help the therapist save face. “Divorce litigation is complicated and it's often hard to get a clear picture of what is happening,” you can say. Try to stick to your area of expertise. “I can certainly see that it would be fair that the person who put all the work into making the house nice should have the marital residence, but unfortunately under Ohio law … ” When talking about areas in which therapists should be knowledgeable, ask them to explain each point to you, and, if you think they are mistaken, calmly explain why: “ Maybe you could help me understand why 10-year-olds cannot tolerate overnights. I read an article in Family Court Review by a psychologist from the National Institute of Child Development who quoted research showing they can. It would help me to know what you think of that article.” If you are still at loggerheads, suggest that the therapist consult a colleague who is expert in the particular matter and that you will be glad to do likewise. Continue to work on an alliance to benefit your mutual client.

Conclusion

Though there is always the remedy of telling clients that they have to choose from whom they take legal advice, in the vast majority of cases, therapists and attorneys can work out their differences by talking in a mutually respectful way. The result is almost always that the attorney can represent the client more effectively, and the therapist can do a better job of helping the patient cope with emotional distress.