The Value of a Divorce Coach

The Collaborative Divorce Coach and Individual Client Relationship

Collaborative Divorce Coaches (CD coaches) are licensed mental-health professionals who have additional training in the Collaborative Divorce Interdisciplinary Team Model of Collaborative Practice and Family Mediation. CD coaches have the specific training to address the intense emotional issues that can create impasses and cause needless emotional and financial expense in divorce negotiations. A CD coach works individually with his or her clients to help them gain insight into their own beliefs, their spouse's point of view, their own behavioral response and the effect it may have on others. The CD coach and client together define individual goals, look at strengths and challenges the client faces, role-play and problem-solve.

The CD coach and client work on communication and listening skills to assist the client in thinking and speaking clearly. In the safety and privacy of the CD Coach's office, each client has the opportunity to learn how to regulate his or her emotions and respond, rather than react. The coach can help the clients maximize their strengths as a catalyst to achieve their individual goals. The client is offered an opportunity to change destructive patterns and learn the value of effective communication. The client can take internal control and, therefore, see him or herself as empowered.

Lawyers see this as an advantage because their client can participate in settlement meetings in a less explosive, more cooperative and constructive manner. The CD coaches work closely and directly with lawyers to assist the lawyers in understanding the dynamics between the clients and in the family system, and in providing techniques that the lawyers can use in settlement meetings. With this synergy, the client sees consistent intervention from the coaching and legal arenas, which helps reinforce new behaviors.

Clients who have worked with divorce coaches have reported an increase in confidence and self esteem. They have learned new communication skills and techniques to allow them to behave in a manner consistent with their personal integrity. This translates into a couple who will focus on co-parenting goals, communicate more effectively and move forward, attending to their own needs more efficiently while remaining sensitive and attentive to the needs of their spouse. Overall, this creates a more respectful climate, one of mutually beneficial (win-win) outcomes for the family.

CD Coaches in Four-Way (or Full Team) Meetings

In four-way meetings with CD coaches and clients, the two coaches model behavior consistent with the collaborative principles and guidelines. The CD coaches will address one another and both clients respectfully, facilitating problem solving and building communication skills. The clients, with the encouragement of the coaches, will develop a 'mission statement' that will address the needs of a changing family system as well as set goals that reflect the clients' mutual commitment for the collaborative process. Continued reinforcement of the mission statement and the clients' list of goals is offered in every correspondence throughout the process. This supports the professional team and the clients in their agreement to remain focused and conscious of their priorities for their collaboration.

When the information/feedback has been received from the child specialist in a five-way meeting (clients, coaches and child specialist) the CD coaches will assist the clients to integrate the information received and to brainstorm choices for the development and creation of the parenting plan. The coaches are also often participants in the financial meetings with the lawyers and financial specialist so that the clients do not slip into their past dysfunctional patterns of non-productive communication. The presence of CD coaches supports the clients in staying true to their Mission Statement and sets the stage for them to develop efficient patterns of interacting that will serve them long after the collaborative process is complete.

CD Coaches and the Professional Team

CD coaches are invaluable to the professional collaborative team members. The CD coaches have the same Collaborative Commitment Agreement with the clients as other team members and support the team in working with the clients throughout the collaborative process. They identify family dynamics, dysfunctional patterns and alignments and communicate with other team members so the team can steer clear of replicating in the team's interactions the negative patterns that developed in the divorcing family system. The coaches work closely with the lawyers and financial specialist to provide them with approaches and techniques that will address the couple's dynamics.

Is This Coaching or Therapy?

As a point of clarification, licensed mental-health professionals functioning as CD coaches are not doing therapy. CD coaches never function in the role of the client's therapist before, during or after the collaborative divorce process. To do so would constitute a 'dual role' ethical violation for the mental-health professional. Also, because the collaborative divorce team remains available to the clients in perpetuity, should the CD coach take on another role with that client, he or she would be unavailable to reconvene with the team if the couple should need future services involving their divorce post decree.

In therapy, the mental-health professional is hired to address issues with the client where it is assumed there is some pathology or something is wrong. A diagnosis code would be provided and the client's symptoms would conform to that diagnosis code. Information shared between patient and therapist is strictly confidential, and the therapist is helping the patient to recover. This creates a power differential and is treated as such.

'Divorce' in and of itself, is not a pathology; it is a life transition, and divorce coaches in collaboration are skilled in working with clients to navigate the crises, assisting them in mastering skills along the way, which could be helpful not only during, but post-divorce. The goal of coaching in a collaborative divorce is to help the clients achieve a divorce in a respectful, cooperative fashion, encouraging the clients to move forward and restructure into two households, expressing the best of who they are, and being the best they can possibly be.

In collaborative divorce cases, a consent form is signed by the client directing the CD coach to share all pertinent information openly with the entire collaborative divorce team. In collaborative divorce, the therapist functions as a divorce coach in a time-limited setting, utilizing all the training skills in the therapist's toolbox. However, the coaching model assumes a different paradigm; that the client is basically healthy and going through a life transition where he or she would benefit from education, strategizing and skill building.

A truly high functioning collaborative divorce team, chosen by the clients at the inception of the case, is pure value-added for the clients and in truth, for the professionals on the team. The lawyers are once again free to be 'counselors at law'; the financial specialist assists the clients in organizing their financial data and provides information regarding the short and long term impact of the clients' financial decisions; the child specialist represents the voice of the child; and the CD coaches guide the clients and the professional team through the emotional dynamics of the family system, helping the couple create a climate of mutual respect, effective communication, and a future-oriented restructured family.

Vicki Carpel-Miller, BSN, MS, LFMT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Scottsdale, AZ. She is a principal and trainer with Collaborative Divorce Team Trainings (CDTT), an organization committed to the Collaborative Divorce Interdisciplinary Team Model of Collaborative Practice. She can be reached at [email protected].

One effective way to explain the benefits of a divorce coach to matrimonial attorneys is to ask them questions:

• Have your clients acted inappropriately in your office or in settlement meetings by engaging in such conduct as bickering, crying, yelling, walking out, blaming or calling the other party or attorney names?
• Have you ever run into an impass in your negotiations that presents a challenge?
• Have you ever felt frustrated with your client or the other lawyer in a case?
• Are you ever at a loss as to how to handle clients' strong emotions when you meet with them alone or in a settlement meeting?
• Have you ever had cases that you felt were appropriate for collaboration, where the clients and lawyers got started but then the clients disengaged from the collaborative process somewhere along the way?

Most attorneys will respond affirmatively to one or more of these questions. They then begin to focus on the exact nature of their concerns: their client's emotional impediments to participating in the productive resolution of the divorce. Having identified the importance of each client's emotional welfare during divorce, the next question is how to help clients deal effectively and efficiently with the rigors they will face during the divorce process.

In answer to this question, the lawyer usually concludes that involving a mental health professional is the ideal approach to assisting clients to work through their issues. In support of this conclusion, I offer my own experience of working on collaborative cases ' with full teams: two collaborative lawyers, two mental health professionals functioning as divorce coaches, a child specialist and a financial specialist, all part of the core team.

It is more productive to explain the process by asking questions so that the lawyer uncovers his or her own rationale for the importance of the role of a divorce coach. Frequently, people are more comfortable taking a risk when they understand what will be accomplished by taking that risk. Once lawyers appreciate the value of including a divorce coach on the professional team, it is easier for them to work with the paradigm.

The Collaborative Divorce Coach and Individual Client Relationship

Collaborative Divorce Coaches (CD coaches) are licensed mental-health professionals who have additional training in the Collaborative Divorce Interdisciplinary Team Model of Collaborative Practice and Family Mediation. CD coaches have the specific training to address the intense emotional issues that can create impasses and cause needless emotional and financial expense in divorce negotiations. A CD coach works individually with his or her clients to help them gain insight into their own beliefs, their spouse's point of view, their own behavioral response and the effect it may have on others. The CD coach and client together define individual goals, look at strengths and challenges the client faces, role-play and problem-solve.

The CD coach and client work on communication and listening skills to assist the client in thinking and speaking clearly. In the safety and privacy of the CD Coach's office, each client has the opportunity to learn how to regulate his or her emotions and respond, rather than react. The coach can help the clients maximize their strengths as a catalyst to achieve their individual goals. The client is offered an opportunity to change destructive patterns and learn the value of effective communication. The client can take internal control and, therefore, see him or herself as empowered.

Lawyers see this as an advantage because their client can participate in settlement meetings in a less explosive, more cooperative and constructive manner. The CD coaches work closely and directly with lawyers to assist the lawyers in understanding the dynamics between the clients and in the family system, and in providing techniques that the lawyers can use in settlement meetings. With this synergy, the client sees consistent intervention from the coaching and legal arenas, which helps reinforce new behaviors.

Clients who have worked with divorce coaches have reported an increase in confidence and self esteem. They have learned new communication skills and techniques to allow them to behave in a manner consistent with their personal integrity. This translates into a couple who will focus on co-parenting goals, communicate more effectively and move forward, attending to their own needs more efficiently while remaining sensitive and attentive to the needs of their spouse. Overall, this creates a more respectful climate, one of mutually beneficial (win-win) outcomes for the family.

CD Coaches in Four-Way (or Full Team) Meetings

In four-way meetings with CD coaches and clients, the two coaches model behavior consistent with the collaborative principles and guidelines. The CD coaches will address one another and both clients respectfully, facilitating problem solving and building communication skills. The clients, with the encouragement of the coaches, will develop a 'mission statement' that will address the needs of a changing family system as well as set goals that reflect the clients' mutual commitment for the collaborative process. Continued reinforcement of the mission statement and the clients' list of goals is offered in every correspondence throughout the process. This supports the professional team and the clients in their agreement to remain focused and conscious of their priorities for their collaboration.

When the information/feedback has been received from the child specialist in a five-way meeting (clients, coaches and child specialist) the CD coaches will assist the clients to integrate the information received and to brainstorm choices for the development and creation of the parenting plan. The coaches are also often participants in the financial meetings with the lawyers and financial specialist so that the clients do not slip into their past dysfunctional patterns of non-productive communication. The presence of CD coaches supports the clients in staying true to their Mission Statement and sets the stage for them to develop efficient patterns of interacting that will serve them long after the collaborative process is complete.

CD Coaches and the Professional Team

CD coaches are invaluable to the professional collaborative team members. The CD coaches have the same Collaborative Commitment Agreement with the clients as other team members and support the team in working with the clients throughout the collaborative process. They identify family dynamics, dysfunctional patterns and alignments and communicate with other team members so the team can steer clear of replicating in the team's interactions the negative patterns that developed in the divorcing family system. The coaches work closely with the lawyers and financial specialist to provide them with approaches and techniques that will address the couple's dynamics.

Is This Coaching or Therapy?

As a point of clarification, licensed mental-health professionals functioning as CD coaches are not doing therapy. CD coaches never function in the role of the client's therapist before, during or after the collaborative divorce process. To do so would constitute a 'dual role' ethical violation for the mental-health professional. Also, because the collaborative divorce team remains available to the clients in perpetuity, should the CD coach take on another role with that client, he or she would be unavailable to reconvene with the team if the couple should need future services involving their divorce post decree.

In therapy, the mental-health professional is hired to address issues with the client where it is assumed there is some pathology or something is wrong. A diagnosis code would be provided and the client's symptoms would conform to that diagnosis code. Information shared between patient and therapist is strictly confidential, and the therapist is helping the patient to recover. This creates a power differential and is treated as such.

'Divorce' in and of itself, is not a pathology; it is a life transition, and divorce coaches in collaboration are skilled in working with clients to navigate the crises, assisting them in mastering skills along the way, which could be helpful not only during, but post-divorce. The goal of coaching in a collaborative divorce is to help the clients achieve a divorce in a respectful, cooperative fashion, encouraging the clients to move forward and restructure into two households, expressing the best of who they are, and being the best they can possibly be.

In collaborative divorce cases, a consent form is signed by the client directing the CD coach to share all pertinent information openly with the entire collaborative divorce team. In collaborative divorce, the therapist functions as a divorce coach in a time-limited setting, utilizing all the training skills in the therapist's toolbox. However, the coaching model assumes a different paradigm; that the client is basically healthy and going through a life transition where he or she would benefit from education, strategizing and skill building.

A truly high functioning collaborative divorce team, chosen by the clients at the inception of the case, is pure value-added for the clients and in truth, for the professionals on the team. The lawyers are once again free to be 'counselors at law'; the financial specialist assists the clients in organizing their financial data and provides information regarding the short and long term impact of the clients' financial decisions; the child specialist represents the voice of the child; and the CD coaches guide the clients and the professional team through the emotional dynamics of the family system, helping the couple create a climate of mutual respect, effective communication, and a future-oriented restructured family.

Vicki Carpel-Miller, BSN, MS, LFMT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Scottsdale, AZ. She is a principal and trainer with Collaborative Divorce Team Trainings (CDTT), an organization committed to the Collaborative Divorce Interdisciplinary Team Model of Collaborative Practice. She can be reached at [email protected].