Parent Alienation

Case Type 1: Serial Allegations of False/Unfounded (Sexual)Abuse

It is more common in custody conflicts to have false/unfounded accusations of sexual abuse than in other situations. Children who have been through the experience of living in a home where this takes place have been examined by doctors, questioned by therapists, interviewed by court officials and undergone a whole host of other related negative experiences; they often develop a forced identification with the aggressor parent. Usually, parents who set up these types of accusations are also working assiduously in other ways to damage the image, reputation and credibility of the target parent. Smear campaigns at school, church and in the community are commonplace. Even though a parent may eventually be legally exonerated, the children may continue to say and/or believe that the accused parent is guilty as charged or nevertheless a bad person. Unfortunately, legal exoneration does not translate into social acceptance. This accusation process creates fear, anxiety, and a desire to disengage from the accused parent.

Case Type 2: Historical Distortions

Many children are induced to believe a social history that either never transpired, or is the opposite of what actually occurred. These cases involve children who believe that a parent had nothing to do with them. Careful study of the history, including interviews with family and friends, often reveals that the mother (or father) who supposedly had nothing to do with the child was, in fact, a loving, caring and fully involved parent (if not the key caregiver). These cases demonstrate that it is possible to distort a child's perception of social reality. Unfortunately, many professionals have come to believe the psychological adage that “perception is reality.” In cases of induced distortion, perception is not reality. There are many social and psychological mechanisms that explain how a child may come not only to believe in a distortion of the past, but to act on it in terms of verbally (and sometimes physically) attacking the parent who has been labeled as the one who neglected and abandoned him or her, did not pay support and was guilty of a whole host of “facts” that may not in fact, be true. In addition to their loss of the target parent, allowing children to continue to believe in a distorted reality will only damage them further in terms of their future social relationships. The majority of therapists are not trained to deal with this issue; consequently, when the court orders therapy, the result may compound the problem. The therapist hears the distortions, cannot sort out the real history or urges the patient “to move on from here.” The therapist may believe radical change is not indicated, and if the therapist tries to evoke such change, therapeutic confrontation can backfire. This commonplace and incorrect conduct will be addressed in the third article in this series.

Case Type 3: The New Family Syndrome

In many cases, children are incorporated into a “new family” arrangement (during or after a divorce). The primary goal of the residential and new step-parent may be to dislodge the other parent from his or her legitimate role. This is done by buying the children off and by creating scenarios where the step-parent offers a thousand reasons why the child is not able to see the target parent. The step-parent talks in terms of the new “we,” or “our family,” “us” and other terms signifying in-group/out-group boundaries. Constant repetition of the negative qualities of the target parent is used until the child comes to believe that his or her biological mother or father (now usually called by his or her first name) is not necessary, or, at least, marginalized. The step-parent becomes “Dad” or “Mom” because, as one ten-year-old child said, “it takes more than being a sperm donor to be a real father.”

It is possible that one child in the family has a positive relationship with the target parent (overtly or covertly) and another child (usually the eldest) does not. This is crucial (legal and forensic) information for all professionals concerned.

In the Courts

By the time the courts see these cases, they are usually fairly well advanced. They present complexities to conciliators, parenting coordinators, judges, counselors and therapists. Judges often hear as many opinions as there are professionals about what happened (if it actually did happen), who did it, what was done and, more importantly, if anything can be done about this situation (if the court believes there is a problem in the first place).

If significant and focused legal and professional intervention does not take place, these children will become further disengaged from one or both parents (it will occur for both parents when the parents are involved in a dual-alienation process). We have heard some of these children ask if they can live with their grandparents because both their parents are crazy and will not stop saying bad things about each other.

Conclusion

The next article in this series will discuss the impact of parent alienation on the child and the family.

Stanley S. Clawar, Ph.D., C.C.S., is the Director of Walden Counseling & Therapy Center in Bryn Mawr, PA, He is the co-author of Children Held Hostage: Dealing with Programmed and Brainwashed Children, published by the American Bar Association; and a Professor and Department Chair of Sociology at Rosemont College, Rosemont PA. Lynn Gold-Bikin, a member of this newsletter's Board of Editors, is chair of the Family Law Practice Group at the law firm of WolfBlock LLP. She is a fellow of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, the International Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers and the Pennsylvania and American Bar Associations.

This article begins a three-part series that will: 1) identify the problem related to extreme cases of parent alienation; 2) discuss the impact of the problem; and 3) propose solutions.

We have all heard from our clients at one time or another that a child wants nothing to do with them because of the actions of the other parent or that parent's new spouse. Parent alienation, perhaps disavowed by many due to conflicted research, has been called by many names: programming/brainwashing, mind-control/poisoning children, coercive persuasion, mental kidnapping, character assassination, etc. The main idea that underlies this experience for children is that one or both parents repeatedly attempt to damage the image and/or reputation of the other parent so that a child will not want to be with, love or accept that parent in their lives. In serious cases, the child will become aggressive and hostile toward the target parent. The process and impact can take place over years. As an attorney confronted by this situation in a custody case, the first question is whether or not the alienation has occurred or if the client is just a problematic parent.

There are ways to establish the existence of the problem. Taking a careful social history will usually reveal patterns of “before and after” that document the processes, motives, and impact. Often, there had been a positive relationship between the target parent and the child. The following examples of problems presented may make the situation clear (and familiar).

Case Type 1: Serial Allegations of False/Unfounded (Sexual)Abuse

It is more common in custody conflicts to have false/unfounded accusations of sexual abuse than in other situations. Children who have been through the experience of living in a home where this takes place have been examined by doctors, questioned by therapists, interviewed by court officials and undergone a whole host of other related negative experiences; they often develop a forced identification with the aggressor parent. Usually, parents who set up these types of accusations are also working assiduously in other ways to damage the image, reputation and credibility of the target parent. Smear campaigns at school, church and in the community are commonplace. Even though a parent may eventually be legally exonerated, the children may continue to say and/or believe that the accused parent is guilty as charged or nevertheless a bad person. Unfortunately, legal exoneration does not translate into social acceptance. This accusation process creates fear, anxiety, and a desire to disengage from the accused parent.

Case Type 2: Historical Distortions

Many children are induced to believe a social history that either never transpired, or is the opposite of what actually occurred. These cases involve children who believe that a parent had nothing to do with them. Careful study of the history, including interviews with family and friends, often reveals that the mother (or father) who supposedly had nothing to do with the child was, in fact, a loving, caring and fully involved parent (if not the key caregiver). These cases demonstrate that it is possible to distort a child's perception of social reality. Unfortunately, many professionals have come to believe the psychological adage that “perception is reality.” In cases of induced distortion, perception is not reality. There are many social and psychological mechanisms that explain how a child may come not only to believe in a distortion of the past, but to act on it in terms of verbally (and sometimes physically) attacking the parent who has been labeled as the one who neglected and abandoned him or her, did not pay support and was guilty of a whole host of “facts” that may not in fact, be true. In addition to their loss of the target parent, allowing children to continue to believe in a distorted reality will only damage them further in terms of their future social relationships. The majority of therapists are not trained to deal with this issue; consequently, when the court orders therapy, the result may compound the problem. The therapist hears the distortions, cannot sort out the real history or urges the patient “to move on from here.” The therapist may believe radical change is not indicated, and if the therapist tries to evoke such change, therapeutic confrontation can backfire. This commonplace and incorrect conduct will be addressed in the third article in this series.

Case Type 3: The New Family Syndrome

In many cases, children are incorporated into a “new family” arrangement (during or after a divorce). The primary goal of the residential and new step-parent may be to dislodge the other parent from his or her legitimate role. This is done by buying the children off and by creating scenarios where the step-parent offers a thousand reasons why the child is not able to see the target parent. The step-parent talks in terms of the new “we,” or “our family,” “us” and other terms signifying in-group/out-group boundaries. Constant repetition of the negative qualities of the target parent is used until the child comes to believe that his or her biological mother or father (now usually called by his or her first name) is not necessary, or, at least, marginalized. The step-parent becomes “Dad” or “Mom” because, as one ten-year-old child said, “it takes more than being a sperm donor to be a real father.”

It is possible that one child in the family has a positive relationship with the target parent (overtly or covertly) and another child (usually the eldest) does not. This is crucial (legal and forensic) information for all professionals concerned.

In the Courts

By the time the courts see these cases, they are usually fairly well advanced. They present complexities to conciliators, parenting coordinators, judges, counselors and therapists. Judges often hear as many opinions as there are professionals about what happened (if it actually did happen), who did it, what was done and, more importantly, if anything can be done about this situation (if the court believes there is a problem in the first place).

If significant and focused legal and professional intervention does not take place, these children will become further disengaged from one or both parents (it will occur for both parents when the parents are involved in a dual-alienation process). We have heard some of these children ask if they can live with their grandparents because both their parents are crazy and will not stop saying bad things about each other.

Conclusion

The next article in this series will discuss the impact of parent alienation on the child and the family.

Stanley S. Clawar, Ph.D., C.C.S., is the Director of Walden Counseling & Therapy Center in Bryn Mawr, PA, He is the co-author of Children Held Hostage: Dealing with Programmed and Brainwashed Children, published by the American Bar Association; and a Professor and Department Chair of Sociology at Rosemont College, Rosemont PA. Lynn Gold-Bikin, a member of this newsletter's Board of Editors, is chair of the Family Law Practice Group at the law firm of WolfBlock LLP. She is a fellow of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, the International Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers and the Pennsylvania and American Bar Associations.