'Just Stop Saying That!'

A Hypothetical Interaction

To illustrate the interaction, we will use Dick and Jane ' with whom you may be familiar. While discussing their post-divorce parenting plan during their divorce, Dick and Jane are having a difficult conversation about time-sharing with their adolescent daughter. Here is the interaction in their warring style.

The Warring Style

Dick: “You want to punish me by trying to keep her away from me. Just because I found someone else, you think I can't be a good father. Well, let me remind you I am entitled to have our daughter with me 50% of the time. I fully intend to exercise my parental rights!”

Jane: “You X#$&! It will be a cold day in hell when you get my daughter with you 50% of the time, especially if that blonde bimbo is living at your house!”

Dick: “Thanks for continuing to remind me why I am divorcing you!”

Jane: “You and your bimbo deserve each other. This conversation is over. I'll see you in court!”

Here is their conversation in the language of collaboration.

The Collaboration Style

Dick: “It is very important to me to spend quality time with our daughter. I think it is essential at this time in her development that she have a consistent, predictable relationship with her Dad. My request is that you support me in this, even though you are angry and hurt because of my behavior and my choices.”

Jane: “I understand that you believe it is important for our daughter to have a quality relationship with you as her father. You can understand that I am really still so angry and hurt about your behavior. Right?”

Dick: “Yes”

Jane: “I appreciate and agree how important it is for our daughter to have a father she can rely on. My worry is that she really can't rely on you and I don't want her to hurt the way I am hurting. So my request is that whatever times we agree upon, you will show up and make her the priority.”

Dick: “I hear that you think it is important that our daughter be able to rely upon me. You want me to be a person of my word and show up when I say I am going to be there and make her the priority. Is that right?'

Jane: “Yes”

Dick: “I understand your concerns, and I commit to you that I will put our daughter first.”

How It Works

This is a rather elementary (and all-too-perfect) example of a common divorce conversation. Notice, in the language of collaboration, statements start with the word “I” rather than the word “You.” In the language of collaboration, each person learns to speak for him/herself and not the other. With collaborative language and some astute divorce coaching, couples learn to become active listeners. Active listening is a neurological activity that progresses in four steps: 1) Hear; 2) Clarify; 3) Interpret; 4) Respond. This brain sequence allows the person to really hear what is being said rather than focusing only on the bits and pieces that justify his or her anger, fear and bitterness. Instead of spending their time trying to formulate a defensive response, they listen in order to understand. This difference in brain function keeps the person out of the adrenaline-driven stress response of fight, flight or freeze, and ultimately elicits more serotonin, which is a mood regulating neurochemical. So there is actually a scientific method to the madness we are advocating.

In our work, we have found that even the highest-conflict couples are able to acquire these listening and speaking skills, and lower the level of their conflict not only during the divorce, but for their future interactions. Active listening includes remaining silent to focus total attention on the other's statements; and then, reflecting or restating the content of what has been heard from a place that is not emotionally charged. When people feel heard, they feel respected. When people feel respected, their natural inclination is toward compromise and support.

A quick comparison of warring and collaborative language appears in the chart below.

Think of the difference between these sets of words and how uncomplicated it might be to transform your language to the language of collaboration. Think of how the shift would help your client move to resolution with less anxiety and more hope for the future. Think of how powerful it would be for you to role model a style that is peaceful, respectful, and preserves the integrity of the individual and the law. The language of collaboration elevates the law to its best and highest purpose.

Outcome of the Hypothetical Case

Here is the outcome of the Dick and Jane saga. During litigation, Dick and Jane went round and round with their blaming, accusatory and warring language and could not work out a parenting plan. They were referred to collaborative coaching. Within two meetings, they built their collaborative language skills, listened to each other's concerns and ultimately worked out their differences. Dick and Jane were able to identify the true heart of the matter, which had nothing to do with their parental time-sharing. They went back to litigation with a collaborative mindset and finished the financial aspect of the divorce using their newly developed skills.

Conclusion

We encourage you to learn and incorporate collaborative language into your practice. Not only will it serve your clients and their families, it will lower your own level of stress and help you to feel truly satisfied in the work you do so well.

[IMGCAP(1)]

Dr. Ellie Izzo is a Licensed Professional Counselor and has been in clinical practice since 1982. Vicki Carpel Miller is co-founder and a core trainer with the Collaborative Divorce Team Trainings, Collaborative Divorce Institute, and the Vicarious Trauma Institute. The authors are co-founders of Arizona Collaborative Coaching Services/Collaborative Divorce Institute/Vicarious Trauma Institute, all located in Scottsdale, AZ. They can be reached at 480-991-4119 or by e-mail at [email protected] or [email protected].

Many experienced matrimonial lawyers have not yet been trained in the collaborative process. However, many litigators have learned that the language of collaboration will serve them admirably in their work and will enhance the outcome for their clients positively. The professionals who prefer to behave with arrogance and condescending language often get a reputation for perpetuating the friction and animosity so often decried by the public when they speak of divorce litigation.

What Is Collaboration?

The language of collaboration takes the bite and the fight out of your communication and creates a safe space where the statement is heard, acknowledged and understood before a response is offered. Collaboration asserts that even if two people strongly disagree, they can disagree with respect, dignity and with an integrity that states, “I understand your point of view, even though I see it differently.”

A Hypothetical Interaction

To illustrate the interaction, we will use Dick and Jane ' with whom you may be familiar. While discussing their post-divorce parenting plan during their divorce, Dick and Jane are having a difficult conversation about time-sharing with their adolescent daughter. Here is the interaction in their warring style.

The Warring Style

Dick: “You want to punish me by trying to keep her away from me. Just because I found someone else, you think I can't be a good father. Well, let me remind you I am entitled to have our daughter with me 50% of the time. I fully intend to exercise my parental rights!”

Jane: “You X#$&! It will be a cold day in hell when you get my daughter with you 50% of the time, especially if that blonde bimbo is living at your house!”

Dick: “Thanks for continuing to remind me why I am divorcing you!”

Jane: “You and your bimbo deserve each other. This conversation is over. I'll see you in court!”

Here is their conversation in the language of collaboration.

The Collaboration Style

Dick: “It is very important to me to spend quality time with our daughter. I think it is essential at this time in her development that she have a consistent, predictable relationship with her Dad. My request is that you support me in this, even though you are angry and hurt because of my behavior and my choices.”

Jane: “I understand that you believe it is important for our daughter to have a quality relationship with you as her father. You can understand that I am really still so angry and hurt about your behavior. Right?”

Dick: “Yes”

Jane: “I appreciate and agree how important it is for our daughter to have a father she can rely on. My worry is that she really can't rely on you and I don't want her to hurt the way I am hurting. So my request is that whatever times we agree upon, you will show up and make her the priority.”

Dick: “I hear that you think it is important that our daughter be able to rely upon me. You want me to be a person of my word and show up when I say I am going to be there and make her the priority. Is that right?'

Jane: “Yes”

Dick: “I understand your concerns, and I commit to you that I will put our daughter first.”

How It Works

This is a rather elementary (and all-too-perfect) example of a common divorce conversation. Notice, in the language of collaboration, statements start with the word “I” rather than the word “You.” In the language of collaboration, each person learns to speak for him/herself and not the other. With collaborative language and some astute divorce coaching, couples learn to become active listeners. Active listening is a neurological activity that progresses in four steps: 1) Hear; 2) Clarify; 3) Interpret; 4) Respond. This brain sequence allows the person to really hear what is being said rather than focusing only on the bits and pieces that justify his or her anger, fear and bitterness. Instead of spending their time trying to formulate a defensive response, they listen in order to understand. This difference in brain function keeps the person out of the adrenaline-driven stress response of fight, flight or freeze, and ultimately elicits more serotonin, which is a mood regulating neurochemical. So there is actually a scientific method to the madness we are advocating.

In our work, we have found that even the highest-conflict couples are able to acquire these listening and speaking skills, and lower the level of their conflict not only during the divorce, but for their future interactions. Active listening includes remaining silent to focus total attention on the other's statements; and then, reflecting or restating the content of what has been heard from a place that is not emotionally charged. When people feel heard, they feel respected. When people feel respected, their natural inclination is toward compromise and support.

A quick comparison of warring and collaborative language appears in the chart below.

Think of the difference between these sets of words and how uncomplicated it might be to transform your language to the language of collaboration. Think of how the shift would help your client move to resolution with less anxiety and more hope for the future. Think of how powerful it would be for you to role model a style that is peaceful, respectful, and preserves the integrity of the individual and the law. The language of collaboration elevates the law to its best and highest purpose.

Outcome of the Hypothetical Case

Here is the outcome of the Dick and Jane saga. During litigation, Dick and Jane went round and round with their blaming, accusatory and warring language and could not work out a parenting plan. They were referred to collaborative coaching. Within two meetings, they built their collaborative language skills, listened to each other's concerns and ultimately worked out their differences. Dick and Jane were able to identify the true heart of the matter, which had nothing to do with their parental time-sharing. They went back to litigation with a collaborative mindset and finished the financial aspect of the divorce using their newly developed skills.

Conclusion

We encourage you to learn and incorporate collaborative language into your practice. Not only will it serve your clients and their families, it will lower your own level of stress and help you to feel truly satisfied in the work you do so well.

[IMGCAP(1)]

Dr. Ellie Izzo is a Licensed Professional Counselor and has been in clinical practice since 1982. Vicki Carpel Miller is co-founder and a core trainer with the Collaborative Divorce Team Trainings, Collaborative Divorce Institute, and the Vicarious Trauma Institute. The authors are co-founders of Arizona Collaborative Coaching Services/Collaborative Divorce Institute/Vicarious Trauma Institute, all located in Scottsdale, AZ. They can be reached at 480-991-4119 or by e-mail at [email protected] or [email protected].