Practice Tip

Personality Disorders in Divorce

In my work as a therapist, a good bit of what I do is walking together through the wasteland of divorce/post-divorce with the client who came for help with the failing marriage. As the marriage progresses from failing to crash-and-burn, I often learn that my primary client, the one who initiated the relationship, has married and had children with someone who has a severe personality disorder.

The system's prevailing notion in the termination of marriage is that both sides are equally at fault. This is debilitating, infuriating and magnifies the already intense suffering of going through divorce. An otherwise put-together person will become as crazy as s/he will every be while going through divorce ' and this while dealing with a spouse who plays somewhat fair. When dealing with a personality disordered spouse, the suffering greatly intensifies.

It is vitally necessary for judges and domestic/family lawyers, or trial lawyers, to have a clear understanding of what personality disorders (PDs) entail. There are relationships that fail when both sides did their best but could not succeed; or they fail because the partners just were not right for each other. In addition, there are those couples who were never right for each other from the beginning because one member was not who s/he seemed to be. There are more than a half dozen PDs identified by psychiatrists, but this column addresses the big three: the narcissist, the borderline, and the antisocial.

The Narcissist

The narcissist is typically male. His deep-seated, unconscious self-loathing leads him to strong negative reactions to criticism, but he is also charming and beautiful in a “bad boy” kind of way. He is extremely self-centered and manipulative. He is preoccupied with fantasies of grandeur, of moving to LA and becoming a model or actor ' a star. He has difficulty with work, feels little or no empathy, but reacts with rage if a partner tries to get out from under his spell.

When a partner awakens, she recognizes that she has been used, was little more than a stage prop. But the narcissist needs to exact revenge for the partner's wishes to leave, and makes everything about the settlement as difficult and complicated as possible. Depending on the severity of the narcissist's illness, he can become dangerous during the period of dissolution.

The Borderline

As often as the narcissist is male, the borderline is a woman. (Feminists have criticized this opinion, but a response to their argument is beyond the scope of this article.) Frequently, the narcissist and the borderline pair up, their illnesses uniquely complementary and drawn to one another while at the same time setting the stage for an explosive, abusive relationship. The borderline female likely came from a chaotic, disorganized family with parental abandonment, and perhaps drug and alcohol abuse. She is quite likely the victim of the all-too-common crime of child sex abuse. In adult life, she will see relationships as mutually exploitive, and as her part of the bargain will impulsively offer intense sexuality in return for what she hopes will be a secure and loving relationship. However, her choice of partners is deeply flawed, and she chooses men as ill as she is. If she has not chosen a narcissistic male, then she has found a man with a na've grasp of human intimacy, who confuses hot sex with lasting love.

Michael Douglas' character in “Fatal Attraction” is a perfect illustration of this interaction. He is a typical white, mildly narcissistic, successful male who accepted the impulsive, wild sexuality of Glenn Close's character, Alex, and then went through a period of intoxication with her. When he awakened from her Aphroditic spell, he tried to free himself from her, but was unable to. I have dealt with many men over the years who, in varying degrees, have made the same error the Michael Douglas character did ' confusing sex and love ' and were now facing the minefield of separation and divorce from an Alex-like person.

The Antisocial

The antisocial is far more often a man. He may have been heavily abused in childhood. More than likely he had an alcoholic parent, and may have been the object of ridicule by that parent. Some people equate the antisocial with a psychopath. Others think of a psychopath as having a more severe version of the disorder. He was likely to have had a conduct disorder in childhood, i.e., violence against peers and animals, fire starting, ongoing vandalism, etc.

In adult life, he can be witty, charming and funny. He exudes power and control and is very often the leader of an organization (recent research has shown that many CEOs exhibit antisocial characteristics, or even more fascinating, begin to show them after having been CEO for a number of years, according to a July 21, 2011, story in Daily Finance , “You've Gotta Be Crazy to Be a CEO. Literally.”) A woman looking for a partner who will “take care of her” is often drawn to the antisocial. It is only after she has begun to suffer from his need for control, lack of empathy, propensity for violence, drug and alcohol abuse, which are always masked through the “charm” phase that she sees the need to free herself from him.

Unhappy Endings

In each case, the person who has awakened and declared that enough is enough faces years, sometimes decades (when there are children involved) of dealing day-in/day-out with an ex who has no intention of playing by the rules of collaboration. The dysfunctional marriage becomes the dysfunctional divorce, the disfigured corpse of human love. The system must take into account the difficulty faced by the divorcing partners of personality disordered individuals. A normal person does not leave victims in his or her wake, but the personality disordered one does.

Until there is a cure for chaos, abandonment, cruelty, addiction, crime, violence, and exploitation of the young, courts and mediators should take a more thoughtful stance regarding personality disorder in marriage, let go of the assumption that both sides are at fault, and grasp that sometimes, one side is the victim of the other. –James Dolan

The Perils of e-Filing in Family Law Cases

Effective this month in Connecticut, e-filing of motions in family law cases will make this process much simpler. A click of the mouse or tap on your phone will yield all of the allegations in every motion, true or not, greatly exposing a family to future harm, ridicule and embarrassment. Even if the allegations are later proven to be false and were filed by a party with malintent, they will forever be available for anyone to see, including a current employer, future employer, clients, customers, family members, neighbors, friends and, worst of all, a client's children.

E-filing of motions in family law cases should have every lawyer seriously concerned. However, we face a quandary because the Practice Book requires lawyers to state the grounds of their motions supported with specific factual allegations and the legal basis for their claims. If you fail to plead with specificity, you will be greeted with an appropriate objection from your adversary and the potential dismissal of your client's motion. Yet the greater the detail you state, the more you risk harming your client by publicly airing the family's dirty laundry.

Some may argue that the information in the motion will be presented in a public hearing with a written decision anyway. However, not all motions are marked ready for short calendar, and even those that are marked ready will frequently be resolved by stipulation. Further, many of the motions that proceed to a short calendar hearing are decided orally from the bench only in front of other waiting litigants and lawyers. Ordering a transcript of the proceedings also requires more effort than obtaining written pleadings and decisions under the new e-filing system.

Regardless of how these motions are ultimately resolved, it is the filing of the motion that will cause the greatest risk of exposure for clients. Details of drug and alcohol testing requirements for parties, supervised parenting time and conditions, counseling requirements, temporary alimony and child support payments and much more will be a click away.

How can we protect our clients? The first solution that comes to mind is simply asking the court to seal a motion, stipulation, file or relevant portions thereof that may contain harmful allegations. However, under current law, sealing is only reserved for the rarest of issues, such as sexual abuse or assault, domestic violence and exposure of certain privileged communications. Much of the deleterious information contained in motions and stipulations falls outside the few sealing exceptions.

What should a family law practitioner do? It is easy to suggest that a client resolve his or her contentious matter before filing a motion. However, that is often not the reality in many divorce cases. One logical solution is to carefully advise your client of the potential ramifications of filing a motion. It is also advisable to reach out to opposing counsel before a motion is filed to try to resolve the issue. In parenting disputes, finding the parties a mental health professional to address their issues before any judicial action is taken is a far more private solution. A mental health practitioner is better qualified than any lawyer or judge to help your client resolve sensitive issues that impact his or her family. Moreover, when the case has ended, the mental health practitioner is still there to help in a more expeditious and cost-effective manner than lawyers and judges.

There is enough divorce gossip already. Rumors are insidious enough, but when someone pulls up a motion on his or her phone to show a friend, rumor will become implied fact and it is, tragically, the children who will suffer most. –Eric J. Broder

James Dolan, M.A. , is a professional coach and psychotherapist with 30 years of experience in private practice in the Dallas area. His e-mail address is [email protected].'His article also appeared in The Texas Lawyer, an ALM sister publication of this newsletter. Eric J. Broder , a founding member and partner at Broder & Orland in Westport, CT, focuses on divorce-related issues, including child custody, alimony and child support, property distribution, business valuation and more. His article also appeared in The Connecticut Law Tribune, also an ALM sister publication.

Personality Disorders in Divorce

In my work as a therapist, a good bit of what I do is walking together through the wasteland of divorce/post-divorce with the client who came for help with the failing marriage. As the marriage progresses from failing to crash-and-burn, I often learn that my primary client, the one who initiated the relationship, has married and had children with someone who has a severe personality disorder.

The system's prevailing notion in the termination of marriage is that both sides are equally at fault. This is debilitating, infuriating and magnifies the already intense suffering of going through divorce. An otherwise put-together person will become as crazy as s/he will every be while going through divorce ' and this while dealing with a spouse who plays somewhat fair. When dealing with a personality disordered spouse, the suffering greatly intensifies.

It is vitally necessary for judges and domestic/family lawyers, or trial lawyers, to have a clear understanding of what personality disorders (PDs) entail. There are relationships that fail when both sides did their best but could not succeed; or they fail because the partners just were not right for each other. In addition, there are those couples who were never right for each other from the beginning because one member was not who s/he seemed to be. There are more than a half dozen PDs identified by psychiatrists, but this column addresses the big three: the narcissist, the borderline, and the antisocial.

The Narcissist

The narcissist is typically male. His deep-seated, unconscious self-loathing leads him to strong negative reactions to criticism, but he is also charming and beautiful in a “bad boy” kind of way. He is extremely self-centered and manipulative. He is preoccupied with fantasies of grandeur, of moving to LA and becoming a model or actor ' a star. He has difficulty with work, feels little or no empathy, but reacts with rage if a partner tries to get out from under his spell.

When a partner awakens, she recognizes that she has been used, was little more than a stage prop. But the narcissist needs to exact revenge for the partner's wishes to leave, and makes everything about the settlement as difficult and complicated as possible. Depending on the severity of the narcissist's illness, he can become dangerous during the period of dissolution.

The Borderline

As often as the narcissist is male, the borderline is a woman. (Feminists have criticized this opinion, but a response to their argument is beyond the scope of this article.) Frequently, the narcissist and the borderline pair up, their illnesses uniquely complementary and drawn to one another while at the same time setting the stage for an explosive, abusive relationship. The borderline female likely came from a chaotic, disorganized family with parental abandonment, and perhaps drug and alcohol abuse. She is quite likely the victim of the all-too-common crime of child sex abuse. In adult life, she will see relationships as mutually exploitive, and as her part of the bargain will impulsively offer intense sexuality in return for what she hopes will be a secure and loving relationship. However, her choice of partners is deeply flawed, and she chooses men as ill as she is. If she has not chosen a narcissistic male, then she has found a man with a na've grasp of human intimacy, who confuses hot sex with lasting love.

Michael Douglas' character in “Fatal Attraction” is a perfect illustration of this interaction. He is a typical white, mildly narcissistic, successful male who accepted the impulsive, wild sexuality of Glenn Close's character, Alex, and then went through a period of intoxication with her. When he awakened from her Aphroditic spell, he tried to free himself from her, but was unable to. I have dealt with many men over the years who, in varying degrees, have made the same error the Michael Douglas character did ' confusing sex and love ' and were now facing the minefield of separation and divorce from an Alex-like person.

The Antisocial

The antisocial is far more often a man. He may have been heavily abused in childhood. More than likely he had an alcoholic parent, and may have been the object of ridicule by that parent. Some people equate the antisocial with a psychopath. Others think of a psychopath as having a more severe version of the disorder. He was likely to have had a conduct disorder in childhood, i.e., violence against peers and animals, fire starting, ongoing vandalism, etc.

In adult life, he can be witty, charming and funny. He exudes power and control and is very often the leader of an organization (recent research has shown that many CEOs exhibit antisocial characteristics, or even more fascinating, begin to show them after having been CEO for a number of years, according to a July 21, 2011, story in Daily Finance , “You've Gotta Be Crazy to Be a CEO. Literally.”) A woman looking for a partner who will “take care of her” is often drawn to the antisocial. It is only after she has begun to suffer from his need for control, lack of empathy, propensity for violence, drug and alcohol abuse, which are always masked through the “charm” phase that she sees the need to free herself from him.

Unhappy Endings

In each case, the person who has awakened and declared that enough is enough faces years, sometimes decades (when there are children involved) of dealing day-in/day-out with an ex who has no intention of playing by the rules of collaboration. The dysfunctional marriage becomes the dysfunctional divorce, the disfigured corpse of human love. The system must take into account the difficulty faced by the divorcing partners of personality disordered individuals. A normal person does not leave victims in his or her wake, but the personality disordered one does.

Until there is a cure for chaos, abandonment, cruelty, addiction, crime, violence, and exploitation of the young, courts and mediators should take a more thoughtful stance regarding personality disorder in marriage, let go of the assumption that both sides are at fault, and grasp that sometimes, one side is the victim of the other. –James Dolan

The Perils of e-Filing in Family Law Cases

Effective this month in Connecticut, e-filing of motions in family law cases will make this process much simpler. A click of the mouse or tap on your phone will yield all of the allegations in every motion, true or not, greatly exposing a family to future harm, ridicule and embarrassment. Even if the allegations are later proven to be false and were filed by a party with malintent, they will forever be available for anyone to see, including a current employer, future employer, clients, customers, family members, neighbors, friends and, worst of all, a client's children.

E-filing of motions in family law cases should have every lawyer seriously concerned. However, we face a quandary because the Practice Book requires lawyers to state the grounds of their motions supported with specific factual allegations and the legal basis for their claims. If you fail to plead with specificity, you will be greeted with an appropriate objection from your adversary and the potential dismissal of your client's motion. Yet the greater the detail you state, the more you risk harming your client by publicly airing the family's dirty laundry.

Some may argue that the information in the motion will be presented in a public hearing with a written decision anyway. However, not all motions are marked ready for short calendar, and even those that are marked ready will frequently be resolved by stipulation. Further, many of the motions that proceed to a short calendar hearing are decided orally from the bench only in front of other waiting litigants and lawyers. Ordering a transcript of the proceedings also requires more effort than obtaining written pleadings and decisions under the new e-filing system.

Regardless of how these motions are ultimately resolved, it is the filing of the motion that will cause the greatest risk of exposure for clients. Details of drug and alcohol testing requirements for parties, supervised parenting time and conditions, counseling requirements, temporary alimony and child support payments and much more will be a click away.

How can we protect our clients? The first solution that comes to mind is simply asking the court to seal a motion, stipulation, file or relevant portions thereof that may contain harmful allegations. However, under current law, sealing is only reserved for the rarest of issues, such as sexual abuse or assault, domestic violence and exposure of certain privileged communications. Much of the deleterious information contained in motions and stipulations falls outside the few sealing exceptions.

What should a family law practitioner do? It is easy to suggest that a client resolve his or her contentious matter before filing a motion. However, that is often not the reality in many divorce cases. One logical solution is to carefully advise your client of the potential ramifications of filing a motion. It is also advisable to reach out to opposing counsel before a motion is filed to try to resolve the issue. In parenting disputes, finding the parties a mental health professional to address their issues before any judicial action is taken is a far more private solution. A mental health practitioner is better qualified than any lawyer or judge to help your client resolve sensitive issues that impact his or her family. Moreover, when the case has ended, the mental health practitioner is still there to help in a more expeditious and cost-effective manner than lawyers and judges.

There is enough divorce gossip already. Rumors are insidious enough, but when someone pulls up a motion on his or her phone to show a friend, rumor will become implied fact and it is, tragically, the children who will suffer most. –Eric J. Broder

James Dolan, M.A. , is a professional coach and psychotherapist with 30 years of experience in private practice in the Dallas area. His e-mail address is [email protected].'His article also appeared in The Texas Lawyer, an ALM sister publication of this newsletter. Eric J. Broder , a founding member and partner at Broder & Orland in Westport, CT, focuses on divorce-related issues, including child custody, alimony and child support, property distribution, business valuation and more. His article also appeared in The Connecticut Law Tribune, also an ALM sister publication.