When Binding Loyalty Creates Loyalty Binds

A common statutory best-interest factor is a parent's support for the children's relationship with the other parent. In several states, analysis of the best interests of the child include support for both parents' contributed participation and involvement in the life of the child in his or her post-divorce family.

Behavioral science research has found that children are best served when they have healthy, quality relationships with both parents. Children are poorly served when one parent interferes with the child's relationship with the other parent.

The concept of “alienation” has been applied to situations in which a parent is actively involved in creating obstacles to the child's relationship with the other parent. In the language of the alienation literature, the parent engaged in undermining the child's relationship with the other parent is called the “alienating parent” and the one who is the target of those alienating behaviors is called the “target parent.” These terms will apply in this article.

The Alienated Child

An alienated child is one whose belief system about the target parent has been changed. He or she views the target parent as unsafe, evil, dangerous, unfit, or in some other way not a fit and proper parent with whom to have a relationship. The child adopts the view of the alienating parent, who can see nothing positive in the target parent. The child is exposed continuously to the alienating parent's belief system about the target parent.

The alienating parent develops a narrative about the child's relationship with the target parent and about the alienating parent's relationship with the target parent. Often, although not always, there is a blurring of boundaries between the alienating parent and child, resulting in the child's belief that the alleged horrible things that the target parent is said to have done to the alienating parent are have been done “to us.”

The child no longer differentiates actions toward the alienating parent from those toward himself. The child believes that s/he is the focus of the target parent's hatred, manipulation or mischief. The alienating parent often convinces the child that the target parent never loved the child and never will.

'Attempted Alienation'

The narrative is among the most difficult aspects of the alienating dynamic to remediate. The child has been exposed to the alienation narrative for so long that s/he has developed a belief that the narrative is an accurate reflection of his life and that of his family. There are times, however, when a child appears to be alienated when s/he is with the alienating parent, but does not display the vitriol typically associated with true alienation when with the target parent. This has been referred to as “attempted” alienation and places a child in a loyalty bind. (J. Michael Bone & Michael R. Walsh. Parental Alienation Syndrome: How to Detect It and What to Do About It. The Florida Bar Journal, 73 (3). (1999). 44) For the purposes of this article, I refer to these children as “not-yet alienated.”

The alienating parent places the child through various loyalty tests. If the child expresses positive emotions toward the target parent, the consequences may be very frightening to him or her. The parent may threaten the child with withholding love, affection, care, or ' the “nuclear option” in alienation threats ' abandonment, rejection, and placement of the child with the target parent. The child learns to please the alienating parent to avoid the severe consequences of violating the implicit rule: “My way or the highway.”

Some children who have been exposed to the alienating parent's beliefs about the dangers of the target parent do not become alienated. When s/he is with the alienating parent, the child appears to accept the target parent-as-dangerous narrative; yet, when given time with the target parent away from the alienating parent, the child is able to enjoy his/her time with that parent and family. However, when the child engages in healthy, loving experiences with the target parent, s/he learns quickly to hide such positive experiences from the alienating parent in order to avoid the threats and rejection that often are fired at the child.

Alienation Dynamics

The study of alienation dynamics has changed considerably since the original 1985 formulation of Parental Alienation Syndrome. The original PAS formulation viewed the alienating parent as the mother who engages the child in a delusional view of the target parent who was the father.

More recent formulations of alienation dynamics recognize that everyone in the family system is likely to contribute to the alienation dynamic. These formulations acknowledge the history of relationship development in the family prior to separation, recognizing that what may look like alienation dynamic during separation and divorce is simply an extension of the parent-child alignments during the course of the marriage. Other situations may reflect alliances among family members that change over time. Some children resist spending time with a parent based upon reality-based experiences such as abuse, neglect, incompetent parenting, domestic violence, and other types of behaviors. These behaviors create a fact-based experience for the child supporting the child's feelings that time spent with the parent is unsafe.

There is also true alienation in which the child's belief system about the target parent has been manipulated by the alienating parent to reflect that parent's view of the target parent as unsafe, dangerous, unfit, or in some other ways unworthy of the child's investing time and energy into a relationship. Some have viewed true alienation as a type of emotional abuse because it so thoroughly disrupts the child's relationship with one of his/her parents.

The Not-Yet Alienated Child

It is the children who are among the “not-yet” alienated group who I believe are often mislabeled as alienated. Children who are part of the “not-yet” alienated group have yet to have their belief system about the target parent changed to view that parent as unsafe or dangerous. However, when the child spends time with his/her alienating parent, the child's language and behavior reflects the alienating parent's view of the target parent. Provide these children with enough time with the target parent to be emotionally and physically free from the influence of the alienating parent and these children are able to engage with and display love toward the target parent. They love the target parent and are able to enjoy time with the target parent's family.

The trick is for the target parent to not “out” the child by telling the alienating parent of the fun and love that the child experienced when with the target parent. Such “outing” behavior places the child further in the middle of the parental conflict. The alienating parent increases her efforts to undermine the child's view of the target parent and reduce the child's time with the target parent.

Hobson's Choice

Another way to look at these children is that they are being forced to choose between parents. The alienating parent is forcing the child to choose which parent to love. The alienating parent is forcing the child into a loyalty bind, being asked to take sides in the tribal warfare that often defines alienated family systems. Every day for the child carries opportunities for more loyalty tests to demonstrate his/her alliance with the alienating parent and rejection of the target parent.

Mental health professionals have known for years that when a person is placed in a situation in which there are two opposing yet desirable goals and forced to choose, tension and anxiety often arise. One effective way to reduce the tension and anxiety associated with having to choose which parent to love is to take sides. Choosing one side over the other allows one, from a psychological perspective, to reduce the anxiety and tension by resolving the conflict. In the case of the “not-yet” alienated group, the child may not, in fact, buy into the alienating parent's negative view of the target parent, but the child displays for the alienating parent a sufficient amount of alienating behavior toward the target parent to convince the alienating parent that the child has chosen sides.

Among the many challenges faced by judges and evaluators is how to gather information from a child who is hesitant or even afraid to share his or her true feelings about both parents, knowing that the alienating parent will view any positive expression of feeling by the child for the target parent as a betrayal. And with betrayal come retribution and punishment.

One treatment option is to recognize that the “not-yet” alienated child's relationship with the target parent contains many positive elements for the child. A custodial change from the alienating parent to the target parent, in these particular situations, would likely result in short-term difficulties and long-term benefits for the child and the target parent and family.

What to Do?

Before any custodial change is initiated, however, less intrusive forms of intervention should be tried. These less intrusive forms of intervention may include involving the alienating parent and target parent in some form of treatment aimed at building trust and improving communication. The ideas for treating a family system ripe with alienation dynamics may be based upon the work of Steve Friedlander and Majorie Walters that include a multi-step, multi-tiered treatment program for all members of the family [Steven Friedlander and Majorie G. Walters. (2010). When a Child Rejects a Parent: Tailoring the Intervention to Fit the Problem. Family Court Review, 48 (1), 98 ' 111].

There are no easy answers to how best to rehabilitate such family systems. The purpose of this article is to begin a discussion about the “not-yet” alienated group of children, a discussion that appears to have been overlooked in the professional literature.

Jonathan Gould, Ph.D., ABPP, a member of this newsletter's Board of Editors, is a board-certified forensic psychologist specializing in family law matters. He conducts evaluations and consults with attorneys including reviewing evaluations, assisting in drafting direct and cross-examination questions for trial, and other related forensic psychological activities. He can be reached at [email protected].

A common statutory best-interest factor is a parent's support for the children's relationship with the other parent. In several states, analysis of the best interests of the child include support for both parents' contributed participation and involvement in the life of the child in his or her post-divorce family.

Behavioral science research has found that children are best served when they have healthy, quality relationships with both parents. Children are poorly served when one parent interferes with the child's relationship with the other parent.

The concept of “alienation” has been applied to situations in which a parent is actively involved in creating obstacles to the child's relationship with the other parent. In the language of the alienation literature, the parent engaged in undermining the child's relationship with the other parent is called the “alienating parent” and the one who is the target of those alienating behaviors is called the “target parent.” These terms will apply in this article.

The Alienated Child

An alienated child is one whose belief system about the target parent has been changed. He or she views the target parent as unsafe, evil, dangerous, unfit, or in some other way not a fit and proper parent with whom to have a relationship. The child adopts the view of the alienating parent, who can see nothing positive in the target parent. The child is exposed continuously to the alienating parent's belief system about the target parent.

The alienating parent develops a narrative about the child's relationship with the target parent and about the alienating parent's relationship with the target parent. Often, although not always, there is a blurring of boundaries between the alienating parent and child, resulting in the child's belief that the alleged horrible things that the target parent is said to have done to the alienating parent are have been done “to us.”

The child no longer differentiates actions toward the alienating parent from those toward himself. The child believes that s/he is the focus of the target parent's hatred, manipulation or mischief. The alienating parent often convinces the child that the target parent never loved the child and never will.

'Attempted Alienation'

The narrative is among the most difficult aspects of the alienating dynamic to remediate. The child has been exposed to the alienation narrative for so long that s/he has developed a belief that the narrative is an accurate reflection of his life and that of his family. There are times, however, when a child appears to be alienated when s/he is with the alienating parent, but does not display the vitriol typically associated with true alienation when with the target parent. This has been referred to as “attempted” alienation and places a child in a loyalty bind. (J. Michael Bone & Michael R. Walsh. Parental Alienation Syndrome: How to Detect It and What to Do About It. The Florida Bar Journal, 73 (3). (1999). 44) For the purposes of this article, I refer to these children as “not-yet alienated.”

The alienating parent places the child through various loyalty tests. If the child expresses positive emotions toward the target parent, the consequences may be very frightening to him or her. The parent may threaten the child with withholding love, affection, care, or ' the “nuclear option” in alienation threats ' abandonment, rejection, and placement of the child with the target parent. The child learns to please the alienating parent to avoid the severe consequences of violating the implicit rule: “My way or the highway.”

Some children who have been exposed to the alienating parent's beliefs about the dangers of the target parent do not become alienated. When s/he is with the alienating parent, the child appears to accept the target parent-as-dangerous narrative; yet, when given time with the target parent away from the alienating parent, the child is able to enjoy his/her time with that parent and family. However, when the child engages in healthy, loving experiences with the target parent, s/he learns quickly to hide such positive experiences from the alienating parent in order to avoid the threats and rejection that often are fired at the child.

Alienation Dynamics

The study of alienation dynamics has changed considerably since the original 1985 formulation of Parental Alienation Syndrome. The original PAS formulation viewed the alienating parent as the mother who engages the child in a delusional view of the target parent who was the father.

More recent formulations of alienation dynamics recognize that everyone in the family system is likely to contribute to the alienation dynamic. These formulations acknowledge the history of relationship development in the family prior to separation, recognizing that what may look like alienation dynamic during separation and divorce is simply an extension of the parent-child alignments during the course of the marriage. Other situations may reflect alliances among family members that change over time. Some children resist spending time with a parent based upon reality-based experiences such as abuse, neglect, incompetent parenting, domestic violence, and other types of behaviors. These behaviors create a fact-based experience for the child supporting the child's feelings that time spent with the parent is unsafe.

There is also true alienation in which the child's belief system about the target parent has been manipulated by the alienating parent to reflect that parent's view of the target parent as unsafe, dangerous, unfit, or in some other ways unworthy of the child's investing time and energy into a relationship. Some have viewed true alienation as a type of emotional abuse because it so thoroughly disrupts the child's relationship with one of his/her parents.

The Not-Yet Alienated Child

It is the children who are among the “not-yet” alienated group who I believe are often mislabeled as alienated. Children who are part of the “not-yet” alienated group have yet to have their belief system about the target parent changed to view that parent as unsafe or dangerous. However, when the child spends time with his/her alienating parent, the child's language and behavior reflects the alienating parent's view of the target parent. Provide these children with enough time with the target parent to be emotionally and physically free from the influence of the alienating parent and these children are able to engage with and display love toward the target parent. They love the target parent and are able to enjoy time with the target parent's family.

The trick is for the target parent to not “out” the child by telling the alienating parent of the fun and love that the child experienced when with the target parent. Such “outing” behavior places the child further in the middle of the parental conflict. The alienating parent increases her efforts to undermine the child's view of the target parent and reduce the child's time with the target parent.

Hobson's Choice

Another way to look at these children is that they are being forced to choose between parents. The alienating parent is forcing the child to choose which parent to love. The alienating parent is forcing the child into a loyalty bind, being asked to take sides in the tribal warfare that often defines alienated family systems. Every day for the child carries opportunities for more loyalty tests to demonstrate his/her alliance with the alienating parent and rejection of the target parent.

Mental health professionals have known for years that when a person is placed in a situation in which there are two opposing yet desirable goals and forced to choose, tension and anxiety often arise. One effective way to reduce the tension and anxiety associated with having to choose which parent to love is to take sides. Choosing one side over the other allows one, from a psychological perspective, to reduce the anxiety and tension by resolving the conflict. In the case of the “not-yet” alienated group, the child may not, in fact, buy into the alienating parent's negative view of the target parent, but the child displays for the alienating parent a sufficient amount of alienating behavior toward the target parent to convince the alienating parent that the child has chosen sides.

Among the many challenges faced by judges and evaluators is how to gather information from a child who is hesitant or even afraid to share his or her true feelings about both parents, knowing that the alienating parent will view any positive expression of feeling by the child for the target parent as a betrayal. And with betrayal come retribution and punishment.

One treatment option is to recognize that the “not-yet” alienated child's relationship with the target parent contains many positive elements for the child. A custodial change from the alienating parent to the target parent, in these particular situations, would likely result in short-term difficulties and long-term benefits for the child and the target parent and family.

What to Do?

Before any custodial change is initiated, however, less intrusive forms of intervention should be tried. These less intrusive forms of intervention may include involving the alienating parent and target parent in some form of treatment aimed at building trust and improving communication. The ideas for treating a family system ripe with alienation dynamics may be based upon the work of Steve Friedlander and Majorie Walters that include a multi-step, multi-tiered treatment program for all members of the family [Steven Friedlander and Majorie G. Walters. (2010). When a Child Rejects a Parent: Tailoring the Intervention to Fit the Problem. Family Court Review, 48 (1), 98 ' 111].

There are no easy answers to how best to rehabilitate such family systems. The purpose of this article is to begin a discussion about the “not-yet” alienated group of children, a discussion that appears to have been overlooked in the professional literature.

Jonathan Gould, Ph.D., ABPP, a member of this newsletter's Board of Editors, is a board-certified forensic psychologist specializing in family law matters. He conducts evaluations and consults with attorneys including reviewing evaluations, assisting in drafting direct and cross-examination questions for trial, and other related forensic psychological activities. He can be reached at [email protected].