Practice Tip: The Role of an Attorney's Personal Experiences in Family Law Matters

Because family law attorneys share a deep understanding of many of their clients' legal matters, and many attorneys have experienced the same challenges faced by their clients, what role, if any, does this identification play in the practice of family law? More importantly, should this play a role and if so, what does that role look like?

Truth and Consequences

Consider the following three scenarios and the alternative outcomes:

1. An attorney is meeting with a client in a dissolution-of-marriage matter and during the meeting, the attorney tells the client that he understands what the client is going through because he too is divorced. The client may immediately feel more comfortable and relieved that her attorney understands not only what she is going through, but how she feels. Or ' the client may be concerned that the attorney will not be able to separate his divorce experience from the client's experience.

2. An attorney is representing a client in a dissolution-of-marriage matter and during mediation negotiations regarding what school the client's child should attend, she tells her client that a certain school is good for that client's child because the attorney's child goes to that school and her child is thriving there. The client may feel agitated and frustrated because she thinks that her concerns are unique to her personal situation, and her family's needs should not be compared with the attorney's family's needs. Or the attorney's experience with that school may help the client in deciding which school is best for her child to attend.

3. A client in a dissolution-of-marriage matter tells her divorce attorney that her adult children are struggling with the divorce process and feeling caught between both parents; the attorney tells the client what it was like for her, as an adult, to go through her parents' divorce. The client may either gain a better understanding of how her adult children may feel and be able to re-examine her own actions throughout the process; or the client may get upset with the attorney for comparing her situation with her client's situation.

Should these attorneys have discussed their personal experiences with their clients? Did it help or hinder their representation of their clients? Whether an attorney decides to share his or her own experiences with a client is a personal decision. In determining the effectiveness of deciding to share personal experiences with a client, consider the purpose behind the decision to do so. In certain situations, it may prove to be a helpful tool in forming a connection with a client and gaining a client's trust; in other situations, it may aid in brainstorming solutions to challenging issues; or it may even help to navigate through difficult emotional roadblocks.

Forming a Connection and Gaining Trust

While a family law attorney's role is to provide legal advice and guidance, it is hard to ignore the emotional elements in these cases. It is even harder to figure out the most appropriate way to console an emotionally distraught client following an initial interaction. If sharing personal experiences can help form a personal connection with a client and gain his or her trust, then it may be helpful to share them. If an attorney chooses to share personal experiences with a client, s/he should consider keeping the experiences general, rather than specific. For example, if an attorney has been through a divorce, it may help a client if the attorney lets the client know that she understands his fears and concerns and that she has successfully navigated those same fears and concerns.

Brainstorming Solutions

In negotiating the terms of parenting plans, creative solutions are often required. Sometimes, clients have an idea of what they want their parenting plan to look like before they even begin the divorce process. This can make the negotiation process challenging, especially when the other party does not share the same idea for a parenting plan. Attorneys should be very cautious about sharing personal experiences in this context; what works for one family may not work for another.

For example, if a client is struggling with the concept of dividing up holidays, and the facts of the case suggest that the holidays should indeed be divided between the parents, it may be helpful for an attorney who has experienced this division in a positive manner to share what the division looks like for him or her.

Dealing with Emotional Roadblocks

There are emotional aspects of family law matters that can create roadblocks to reaching a resolution in many cases. If an attorney identifies these roadblocks, sometimes it is hard to figure out the best way to navigate through them. An attorney may wish to draw from personal experiences, when relevant, to help a client navigate these roadblocks. Consider the above scenario where a client was struggling with how her adult children were dealing with her divorce. Some attorneys may be dismissive of these concerns because the children are adults. But, if an attorney experienced his or her parents' divorce as an adult, that attorney may be able to discuss the matter with the client and give the client insight on what her children may be experiencing.

Conclusion

Sharing personal experiences with a client is one tool available to practitioners and in the right case, with the right client, when used cautiously, it may be a beneficial one.

' Derren Ciaglia, Lowndes, Drosdick Doster Kantor & Reed, P.A.

'

Because family law attorneys share a deep understanding of many of their clients' legal matters, and many attorneys have experienced the same challenges faced by their clients, what role, if any, does this identification play in the practice of family law? More importantly, should this play a role and if so, what does that role look like?

Truth and Consequences

Consider the following three scenarios and the alternative outcomes:

1. An attorney is meeting with a client in a dissolution-of-marriage matter and during the meeting, the attorney tells the client that he understands what the client is going through because he too is divorced. The client may immediately feel more comfortable and relieved that her attorney understands not only what she is going through, but how she feels. Or ' the client may be concerned that the attorney will not be able to separate his divorce experience from the client's experience.

2. An attorney is representing a client in a dissolution-of-marriage matter and during mediation negotiations regarding what school the client's child should attend, she tells her client that a certain school is good for that client's child because the attorney's child goes to that school and her child is thriving there. The client may feel agitated and frustrated because she thinks that her concerns are unique to her personal situation, and her family's needs should not be compared with the attorney's family's needs. Or the attorney's experience with that school may help the client in deciding which school is best for her child to attend.

3. A client in a dissolution-of-marriage matter tells her divorce attorney that her adult children are struggling with the divorce process and feeling caught between both parents; the attorney tells the client what it was like for her, as an adult, to go through her parents' divorce. The client may either gain a better understanding of how her adult children may feel and be able to re-examine her own actions throughout the process; or the client may get upset with the attorney for comparing her situation with her client's situation.

Should these attorneys have discussed their personal experiences with their clients? Did it help or hinder their representation of their clients? Whether an attorney decides to share his or her own experiences with a client is a personal decision. In determining the effectiveness of deciding to share personal experiences with a client, consider the purpose behind the decision to do so. In certain situations, it may prove to be a helpful tool in forming a connection with a client and gaining a client's trust; in other situations, it may aid in brainstorming solutions to challenging issues; or it may even help to navigate through difficult emotional roadblocks.

Forming a Connection and Gaining Trust

While a family law attorney's role is to provide legal advice and guidance, it is hard to ignore the emotional elements in these cases. It is even harder to figure out the most appropriate way to console an emotionally distraught client following an initial interaction. If sharing personal experiences can help form a personal connection with a client and gain his or her trust, then it may be helpful to share them. If an attorney chooses to share personal experiences with a client, s/he should consider keeping the experiences general, rather than specific. For example, if an attorney has been through a divorce, it may help a client if the attorney lets the client know that she understands his fears and concerns and that she has successfully navigated those same fears and concerns.

Brainstorming Solutions

In negotiating the terms of parenting plans, creative solutions are often required. Sometimes, clients have an idea of what they want their parenting plan to look like before they even begin the divorce process. This can make the negotiation process challenging, especially when the other party does not share the same idea for a parenting plan. Attorneys should be very cautious about sharing personal experiences in this context; what works for one family may not work for another.

For example, if a client is struggling with the concept of dividing up holidays, and the facts of the case suggest that the holidays should indeed be divided between the parents, it may be helpful for an attorney who has experienced this division in a positive manner to share what the division looks like for him or her.

Dealing with Emotional Roadblocks

There are emotional aspects of family law matters that can create roadblocks to reaching a resolution in many cases. If an attorney identifies these roadblocks, sometimes it is hard to figure out the best way to navigate through them. An attorney may wish to draw from personal experiences, when relevant, to help a client navigate these roadblocks. Consider the above scenario where a client was struggling with how her adult children were dealing with her divorce. Some attorneys may be dismissive of these concerns because the children are adults. But, if an attorney experienced his or her parents' divorce as an adult, that attorney may be able to discuss the matter with the client and give the client insight on what her children may be experiencing.

Conclusion

Sharing personal experiences with a client is one tool available to practitioners and in the right case, with the right client, when used cautiously, it may be a beneficial one.

' Derren Ciaglia, Lowndes, Drosdick Doster Kantor & Reed, P.A.

'