<b>The Place to Network:</b> Making the Business Case For Gratitude

Benjamin Franklin had an odd habit: He would routinely ask for favors of his political adversaries. They were small favors ' borrowing a book, for instance ' but they were favors indeed. Why on earth would he indebt himself in this way to his enemies? Because he knew that getting people to do things for you is one of the fastest ways to get them to like you.

Sounds Crazy?

This is, in fact, a very rational reaction. It's the result of our nearly obsessive desire to be and to appear consistent with what we have already done, because consistency is highly valued in our society. Think about it ' what are people with a high degree of consistency called? They're considered reliable, dependable, etc. On the other hand, people viewed as inconsistent will be called irresponsible, unreliable, weak-minded, and so forth. When an individual does something, the need for consistency pressures him or her to bring what they feel and believe into line with what they have just done. People don't like to feel inconsistent, so they rationalize their actions.

What Does This Mean For You?

When someone willingly does something good for you, they have two ways of thinking about it:

1. I helped someone I don't like and/or who isn't worth it. I must be really daft. (How likely is this thought to be favored?)
2. I helped someone I like and who is worth it. Of course that's why I did it ' I wouldn't have helped them otherwise ' I'm not stupid after all. Far more agreeable to think of oneself, isn't it?

Unfortunately, this tendency also works in reverse: If someone feels that he or she has done you harm, he or she will seek to rationalize their action to avoid feeling bad about themselves. 'Why did I do such a bad thing to this person? It must be because they're a bad person, or they did something to deserve it. Otherwise, I wouldn't have done that ' I wouldn't do something bad to a good person, now would I? I'm not a bad person!' Which is why you might want to avoid blaming them for hurting you ' by leading them to rationalize their actions, blame leads them to like you less and therefore only hurts you in the end.

On the other hand, if someone does something nice for you, play it up! The more they think they've done for you, the more they'll like you ' so lay it on thick. Make them rationalize their actions ' in your favor.

For What Can You Express Gratitude?

Anything! Quite naturally, you can offer appreciation when someone has helped. You can also thank people for taking time to meet you, whether in person or by phone, especially if you spoke with someone for the first time, or if you spoke for a long time. You can also acknowledge good advice or interesting information someone gave you. When their advice does go right, or their information leads to good results, share the glory. Give them as much credit as you can ' make them feel responsible for your success.

When Should One Offer Thanks?

As soon as possible! Whenever someone helps you in some way, aim to thank them within 48 hours ' and then, keep them up-to-date with the effects of their help over the long term. First, express gratitude for the initial contact. Second, say thanks after the first meeting, and say how it goes. Third, say thanks when it works out ' and even if it doesn't. You can't say thank you enough. You can designate a certain time in your schedule to write notes, or carry stamps and stationery with you. Then, whenever you're stuck waiting, you can dash off a note and send it out. However, eager beavers beware: You're taking a risk if you send the note out ahead of time ' and for any reason, the meeting doesn't happen. Instead, if you feel the need for speed, have it messenger delivered. Or you could even leave the note at the front desk on your way out.

How Can You Show Your Indebtedness?

The notes should be handwritten, if possible in blue ink ' blue is the color of trust, and the darker the shade of blue, the more intense the emotion it elicits. Think of the last presidential election: Both candidates, with highly paid color consultants behind them, wore navy blue suits. To be most effective:

• Be personal. For instance, when accepting compliments, don't just say thanks ' say thank you (for noticing that, for being so kind, etc) Ladle on the 'yous'
• Be specific. Show them exactly how they have helped you.
• Make it dramatic. People love to feel important. Thank you ' you saved my paycheck/job/life/shoe'

You can also send flowers or chocolate, take them out to lunch, or send them a book by their favorite author. One of my favorite clients had a stroke of inspiration one day when attending a book signing by Madeleine Albright. She remembered that the worldwide chairman of her firm, whom she'd wanted to thank, was a great admirer of the former Secretary of State. It was then but a leap of thought to ask Ms. Albright to sign the book to his name. What an impression this gift made!

Indeed, thanking someone with something that can stay visible is a great strategy, as it continuously reminds them that they did something nice for you ' thereby continuously reinforcing the fact that they must like you.

Benjamin Franklin had an odd habit: He would routinely ask for favors of his political adversaries. They were small favors ' borrowing a book, for instance ' but they were favors indeed. Why on earth would he indebt himself in this way to his enemies? Because he knew that getting people to do things for you is one of the fastest ways to get them to like you.

Sounds Crazy?

This is, in fact, a very rational reaction. It's the result of our nearly obsessive desire to be and to appear consistent with what we have already done, because consistency is highly valued in our society. Think about it ' what are people with a high degree of consistency called? They're considered reliable, dependable, etc. On the other hand, people viewed as inconsistent will be called irresponsible, unreliable, weak-minded, and so forth. When an individual does something, the need for consistency pressures him or her to bring what they feel and believe into line with what they have just done. People don't like to feel inconsistent, so they rationalize their actions.

What Does This Mean For You?

When someone willingly does something good for you, they have two ways of thinking about it:

1. I helped someone I don't like and/or who isn't worth it. I must be really daft. (How likely is this thought to be favored?)
2. I helped someone I like and who is worth it. Of course that's why I did it ' I wouldn't have helped them otherwise ' I'm not stupid after all. Far more agreeable to think of oneself, isn't it?

Unfortunately, this tendency also works in reverse: If someone feels that he or she has done you harm, he or she will seek to rationalize their action to avoid feeling bad about themselves. 'Why did I do such a bad thing to this person? It must be because they're a bad person, or they did something to deserve it. Otherwise, I wouldn't have done that ' I wouldn't do something bad to a good person, now would I? I'm not a bad person!' Which is why you might want to avoid blaming them for hurting you ' by leading them to rationalize their actions, blame leads them to like you less and therefore only hurts you in the end.

On the other hand, if someone does something nice for you, play it up! The more they think they've done for you, the more they'll like you ' so lay it on thick. Make them rationalize their actions ' in your favor.

For What Can You Express Gratitude?

Anything! Quite naturally, you can offer appreciation when someone has helped. You can also thank people for taking time to meet you, whether in person or by phone, especially if you spoke with someone for the first time, or if you spoke for a long time. You can also acknowledge good advice or interesting information someone gave you. When their advice does go right, or their information leads to good results, share the glory. Give them as much credit as you can ' make them feel responsible for your success.

When Should One Offer Thanks?

As soon as possible! Whenever someone helps you in some way, aim to thank them within 48 hours ' and then, keep them up-to-date with the effects of their help over the long term. First, express gratitude for the initial contact. Second, say thanks after the first meeting, and say how it goes. Third, say thanks when it works out ' and even if it doesn't. You can't say thank you enough. You can designate a certain time in your schedule to write notes, or carry stamps and stationery with you. Then, whenever you're stuck waiting, you can dash off a note and send it out. However, eager beavers beware: You're taking a risk if you send the note out ahead of time ' and for any reason, the meeting doesn't happen. Instead, if you feel the need for speed, have it messenger delivered. Or you could even leave the note at the front desk on your way out.

How Can You Show Your Indebtedness?

The notes should be handwritten, if possible in blue ink ' blue is the color of trust, and the darker the shade of blue, the more intense the emotion it elicits. Think of the last presidential election: Both candidates, with highly paid color consultants behind them, wore navy blue suits. To be most effective:

• Be personal. For instance, when accepting compliments, don't just say thanks ' say thank you (for noticing that, for being so kind, etc) Ladle on the 'yous'
• Be specific. Show them exactly how they have helped you.
• Make it dramatic. People love to feel important. Thank you ' you saved my paycheck/job/life/shoe'

You can also send flowers or chocolate, take them out to lunch, or send them a book by their favorite author. One of my favorite clients had a stroke of inspiration one day when attending a book signing by Madeleine Albright. She remembered that the worldwide chairman of her firm, whom she'd wanted to thank, was a great admirer of the former Secretary of State. It was then but a leap of thought to ask Ms. Albright to sign the book to his name. What an impression this gift made!

Indeed, thanking someone with something that can stay visible is a great strategy, as it continuously reminds them that they did something nice for you ' thereby continuously reinforcing the fact that they must like you.