The Place to Network: The Dreaded Cocktail Party

In recent columns, we've focused on some of the social media tools that can help a lawyer to generate visibility and demonstrate deep subject matter expertise. One reader, however, asked for practical advice on how to handle a situation that, in his words, “just thinking about leads to a feeling of sheer terror that can honestly immobilize me.” Our faithful reader wasn't referring to visiting a client on death row, or delivering an opening statement at trial, or presenting bad news to a very important CEO or even rejecting an assignment from a partner in order to take a weekend off. By comparison, those challenges are minor! So what activity can possibly strike fear in the hearts of many lawyers, an activity that for some comes as naturally as breathing but for others is something to avoid at all costs? Naturally, we're talking about the cocktail party.

A Universal Experience

There are few universal experiences that every lawyer will encounter regardless of age, practice, location, firm size or gender, but one of these is attending a reception full of clients or potential clients. Some lawyers thrive in such an environment. They don't need to be dragged to these events, in fact these lawyers would attend the opening of an envelope if it provided the opportunity to engage in witty banter, enjoy a fine glass of wine or two, indulge in succulent canap's and make friends with a handful of prospective clients. They chat easily about work, sports, politics, current events, celebrity scandals and industry gossip, changing from topic to topic as easily as frequently as they drift from group to group, charming the attendees with their wit and wisdom. Who are these people? What aliens invaded these lawyers' bodies and imbued them with a social confidence that is sorely lacking in others?

Actually, it has nothing to do with confidence. Lawyers are, as a rule, confident creatures. Thorough preparation creates familiarity with a topic, and the ability to analyze and break down complex issues makes the unfamiliar less formidable. So why do so many lawyers struggle with something as simple as working a room, engaging in small talk with unfamiliar people? Is this “affliction” distributed equally throughout the population or is it overrepresented in the lawyer universe? Multiple personality studies confirm that, as compared with the general population, lawyers tend more often to draw their energy internally rather than from other people, to see larger patterns rather than specific facts, to rely on rational logic rather than values, and to come to conclusions. We could endlessly debate the validity of personality profiling and the practical applicability, but self-evidently many lawyers are introverts. How does this influence behavior on the cocktail circuit?

It's OK to Be an Introvert

What exactly is an introvert anyway? The term calls to mind the Marty McFly-types at the school dance who line the walls hoping against hope that someone on the other side will break ranks and ask them to dance, without seriously considering making that move themselves. This is an unfortunate stereotype because introversion has little to do with self-esteem. An introvert draws energy from within rather than from others. So an introvert may be completely comfortable in a boisterous, crowded environment, but such involvement can be exhausting. So the introvert tends to recharge alone in a quieter setting. But introversion isn't the same as stage fright. In fact, many introverts who loathe cocktail chatter are comfortable speaking from a podium to large audiences. This is akin to the actress who can perform on stage in front of thousands, or on film for millions, but is mortally afraid of the one-on-one interview conducted by a talk show host. Extraverts, by contrast, appear to thrive in the midst of others, and dislike being alone. So introversion and extraversion are merely our orientation to the world, the well from which we draw our energy. They are not good indicators of our ability to engage in small talk or to make friends. Even if networking at social events gives you pause, rest assured that you are not the first, nor the last, to face this challenge.

How to Ace the Cocktail Party

Like other skills, such as playing soccer or playing piano, engaging in cocktail conversation requires technique and practice. Some are better at this than others. In fact, some advanced networkers, like the soccer player who learns to shoot on goal with either foot, and the piano player who masters jazz and classical styles, spend a lot of time working on their craft. While you and I may never be selected for a World Cup team, we can learn to hold our own for an hour or two on our chosen field of play. There are a few simple techniques that can help anyone get started.

Have a Plan

When I attend an event, I always review the attendee list in advance to see who I know and who I'd like to know. I will commit to making contact with a target list of people, and I try not to leave the room before I've done so. This helps create a sense of purpose, and can also provide a polite exit strategy when you're engaged in the conversation that never ends. “Please excuse me, I need to see Phil before he goes ' ” And I have an objective in mind for when I meet my target. For existing clients, it may be to simply reconnect, ask about the family, and secure a promise to get together in the future. Even with such casual “ permission,” many lawyers will be much more at ease following up with the contact later because it's not an uninvited cold call. For those you don't know, it's helpful to '

Have Something to Say

We have probably all heard about the “elevator speech,” or the few sentences you would say to your top prospective client if you were riding in an elevator together and had a few moments to state your case before the doors open. If you haven't thought through a succinct, poignant way to describe what you do, for whom, and why this may be of value to the listener, then spend some time doing so. Once you have the elevator speech down, it may be helpful to skim the sports pages, the news headlines or the client's trade journals so you can participate in the topics of the day. It can be awkward walking up to a prospective client and immediately launching into an elevator speech, so do some research. “Didn't you write the article on the new tax regulation?” or “I enjoyed your presentation earlier, but I'm interested in how you would tackle X.”

People like to talk more than they like to listen. This universal truth is practiced on successful first dates in coffee shops and pubs everywhere. Ask questions about your companion and genuinely listen to the responses, and avoid talking endlessly about yourself. Aim for the 80/20 rule ' listen 80% of the time, speak 20% of the time.

Don't Hide in the Safe Zone

Often, you'll know someone and you can start out chatting with a friendly face. But it's important to break away and meet others, so resist the temptation to anchor yourself to a friendly face for too long. It's perfectly okay to circulate and return to that person now and again. But stay just long enough to recharge and then keep moving. Of course, if this friendly face is a gregarious networker who's introducing you to new people every few minutes, then by all means accept the wingman role you've been offered. Just don't get lost on the sidelines.

Help Others Meet You

People aren't going to seek you out in the dark corners or next to the speakers blasting music or by the crowded bar. Find a place comfortably in the midst of the action or keep moving. Display your name badge prominently on your lapel or adjust your lanyard so the badge is on your upper chest, not resting on your belly. Never take your name badge off.

Offer your name freely. There's nothing more awkward than holding a conversation with someone you know, but whose name you cannot remember. Make it easy on others and re-introduce yourself: “Hi, I'm Jan, we were panelists together last year ' ” or “ Hi Leslie, I'm Dan, I'm a colleague of Ted Wilson's and I joined him on that factory tour you led in June.” And so on. Do not ever ' ever! ' issue the challenge and say, “Hi, do you remember me?” Do you really want me to crush your dreams and tell you that I can't place your face though you look vaguely familiar? People who are terrible at remembering names (like this columnist!) will avoid you so as not to embarrass or be embarrassed.

Know When to Move On

What if you're stuck in a conversation that won't end, with a person who sees you as their safety zone, or with someone who's unlikely to be a primary or referral source of business for you in the future? Consultant Ross Fishman advises: Your time is precious, you can't afford to waste time in conversation with people who will never become a valuable part of your network. To maximize the time you can spend with the “right” people, always order a half-glass of your preferred drink. This way, you are never more than six ounces away from a polite and socially acceptable way to excuse yourself from an unproductive conversation in order to “freshen my drink.”

Bring Your Business Cards

This shouldn't have to be said, but at every cocktail reception there is always one person who forgets to bring any business cards, another who runs out of business cards in the first hour or ' my personal pet peeve ' someone who suggests you just write down his contact info or Google him later.

Conclusion

After a robust evening of cocktail chatter, sometimes followed by a lengthy dinner full of more chatter, some lawyers are energized and ready to conquer the world. Others need to retreat home or to their hotel to recharge before venturing out again. Regardless of how excited or terrified you are at meeting new people in such a setting, take comfort in the fact that many others in the room feel the same way. Talk to enough people and you will find a fellow soul who shares your interests, enjoys your wit, and ideally represents a potential source of new business or referrals for your practice. Like dating, networking is often a numbers game. It's hard to find success without sorting through a wide variety of unsuitable choices. And while the objective may not be a light peck on the cheek on the front porch, the warm glow that comes from meeting a contact who's eager to hear more about how you can help solve their problem feels just as good.

Timothy B. Corcoran, an expert in law firm business development and marketing, is an executive with Hubbard One, a division of Thomson Reuters. Hubbard One provides tools and services for law firms to address marketing, business development and operational needs. Mr. Corcoran also authors the Corcoran's Business of Law Blog at www.corcoranlawbizblog.com.

In recent columns, we've focused on some of the social media tools that can help a lawyer to generate visibility and demonstrate deep subject matter expertise. One reader, however, asked for practical advice on how to handle a situation that, in his words, “just thinking about leads to a feeling of sheer terror that can honestly immobilize me.” Our faithful reader wasn't referring to visiting a client on death row, or delivering an opening statement at trial, or presenting bad news to a very important CEO or even rejecting an assignment from a partner in order to take a weekend off. By comparison, those challenges are minor! So what activity can possibly strike fear in the hearts of many lawyers, an activity that for some comes as naturally as breathing but for others is something to avoid at all costs? Naturally, we're talking about the cocktail party.

A Universal Experience

There are few universal experiences that every lawyer will encounter regardless of age, practice, location, firm size or gender, but one of these is attending a reception full of clients or potential clients. Some lawyers thrive in such an environment. They don't need to be dragged to these events, in fact these lawyers would attend the opening of an envelope if it provided the opportunity to engage in witty banter, enjoy a fine glass of wine or two, indulge in succulent canap's and make friends with a handful of prospective clients. They chat easily about work, sports, politics, current events, celebrity scandals and industry gossip, changing from topic to topic as easily as frequently as they drift from group to group, charming the attendees with their wit and wisdom. Who are these people? What aliens invaded these lawyers' bodies and imbued them with a social confidence that is sorely lacking in others?

Actually, it has nothing to do with confidence. Lawyers are, as a rule, confident creatures. Thorough preparation creates familiarity with a topic, and the ability to analyze and break down complex issues makes the unfamiliar less formidable. So why do so many lawyers struggle with something as simple as working a room, engaging in small talk with unfamiliar people? Is this “affliction” distributed equally throughout the population or is it overrepresented in the lawyer universe? Multiple personality studies confirm that, as compared with the general population, lawyers tend more often to draw their energy internally rather than from other people, to see larger patterns rather than specific facts, to rely on rational logic rather than values, and to come to conclusions. We could endlessly debate the validity of personality profiling and the practical applicability, but self-evidently many lawyers are introverts. How does this influence behavior on the cocktail circuit?

It's OK to Be an Introvert

What exactly is an introvert anyway? The term calls to mind the Marty McFly-types at the school dance who line the walls hoping against hope that someone on the other side will break ranks and ask them to dance, without seriously considering making that move themselves. This is an unfortunate stereotype because introversion has little to do with self-esteem. An introvert draws energy from within rather than from others. So an introvert may be completely comfortable in a boisterous, crowded environment, but such involvement can be exhausting. So the introvert tends to recharge alone in a quieter setting. But introversion isn't the same as stage fright. In fact, many introverts who loathe cocktail chatter are comfortable speaking from a podium to large audiences. This is akin to the actress who can perform on stage in front of thousands, or on film for millions, but is mortally afraid of the one-on-one interview conducted by a talk show host. Extraverts, by contrast, appear to thrive in the midst of others, and dislike being alone. So introversion and extraversion are merely our orientation to the world, the well from which we draw our energy. They are not good indicators of our ability to engage in small talk or to make friends. Even if networking at social events gives you pause, rest assured that you are not the first, nor the last, to face this challenge.

How to Ace the Cocktail Party

Like other skills, such as playing soccer or playing piano, engaging in cocktail conversation requires technique and practice. Some are better at this than others. In fact, some advanced networkers, like the soccer player who learns to shoot on goal with either foot, and the piano player who masters jazz and classical styles, spend a lot of time working on their craft. While you and I may never be selected for a World Cup team, we can learn to hold our own for an hour or two on our chosen field of play. There are a few simple techniques that can help anyone get started.

Have a Plan

When I attend an event, I always review the attendee list in advance to see who I know and who I'd like to know. I will commit to making contact with a target list of people, and I try not to leave the room before I've done so. This helps create a sense of purpose, and can also provide a polite exit strategy when you're engaged in the conversation that never ends. “Please excuse me, I need to see Phil before he goes ' ” And I have an objective in mind for when I meet my target. For existing clients, it may be to simply reconnect, ask about the family, and secure a promise to get together in the future. Even with such casual “ permission,” many lawyers will be much more at ease following up with the contact later because it's not an uninvited cold call. For those you don't know, it's helpful to '

Have Something to Say

We have probably all heard about the “elevator speech,” or the few sentences you would say to your top prospective client if you were riding in an elevator together and had a few moments to state your case before the doors open. If you haven't thought through a succinct, poignant way to describe what you do, for whom, and why this may be of value to the listener, then spend some time doing so. Once you have the elevator speech down, it may be helpful to skim the sports pages, the news headlines or the client's trade journals so you can participate in the topics of the day. It can be awkward walking up to a prospective client and immediately launching into an elevator speech, so do some research. “Didn't you write the article on the new tax regulation?” or “I enjoyed your presentation earlier, but I'm interested in how you would tackle X.”

People like to talk more than they like to listen. This universal truth is practiced on successful first dates in coffee shops and pubs everywhere. Ask questions about your companion and genuinely listen to the responses, and avoid talking endlessly about yourself. Aim for the 80/20 rule ' listen 80% of the time, speak 20% of the time.

Don't Hide in the Safe Zone

Often, you'll know someone and you can start out chatting with a friendly face. But it's important to break away and meet others, so resist the temptation to anchor yourself to a friendly face for too long. It's perfectly okay to circulate and return to that person now and again. But stay just long enough to recharge and then keep moving. Of course, if this friendly face is a gregarious networker who's introducing you to new people every few minutes, then by all means accept the wingman role you've been offered. Just don't get lost on the sidelines.

Help Others Meet You

People aren't going to seek you out in the dark corners or next to the speakers blasting music or by the crowded bar. Find a place comfortably in the midst of the action or keep moving. Display your name badge prominently on your lapel or adjust your lanyard so the badge is on your upper chest, not resting on your belly. Never take your name badge off.

Offer your name freely. There's nothing more awkward than holding a conversation with someone you know, but whose name you cannot remember. Make it easy on others and re-introduce yourself: “Hi, I'm Jan, we were panelists together last year ' ” or “ Hi Leslie, I'm Dan, I'm a colleague of Ted Wilson's and I joined him on that factory tour you led in June.” And so on. Do not ever ' ever! ' issue the challenge and say, “Hi, do you remember me?” Do you really want me to crush your dreams and tell you that I can't place your face though you look vaguely familiar? People who are terrible at remembering names (like this columnist!) will avoid you so as not to embarrass or be embarrassed.

Know When to Move On

What if you're stuck in a conversation that won't end, with a person who sees you as their safety zone, or with someone who's unlikely to be a primary or referral source of business for you in the future? Consultant Ross Fishman advises: Your time is precious, you can't afford to waste time in conversation with people who will never become a valuable part of your network. To maximize the time you can spend with the “right” people, always order a half-glass of your preferred drink. This way, you are never more than six ounces away from a polite and socially acceptable way to excuse yourself from an unproductive conversation in order to “freshen my drink.”

Bring Your Business Cards

This shouldn't have to be said, but at every cocktail reception there is always one person who forgets to bring any business cards, another who runs out of business cards in the first hour or ' my personal pet peeve ' someone who suggests you just write down his contact info or Google him later.

Conclusion

After a robust evening of cocktail chatter, sometimes followed by a lengthy dinner full of more chatter, some lawyers are energized and ready to conquer the world. Others need to retreat home or to their hotel to recharge before venturing out again. Regardless of how excited or terrified you are at meeting new people in such a setting, take comfort in the fact that many others in the room feel the same way. Talk to enough people and you will find a fellow soul who shares your interests, enjoys your wit, and ideally represents a potential source of new business or referrals for your practice. Like dating, networking is often a numbers game. It's hard to find success without sorting through a wide variety of unsuitable choices. And while the objective may not be a light peck on the cheek on the front porch, the warm glow that comes from meeting a contact who's eager to hear more about how you can help solve their problem feels just as good.

Timothy B. Corcoran, an expert in law firm business development and marketing, is an executive with Hubbard One, a division of Thomson Reuters. Hubbard One provides tools and services for law firms to address marketing, business development and operational needs. Mr. Corcoran also authors the Corcoran's Business of Law Blog at www.corcoranlawbizblog.com.